surviving the date just to realize it was the meaning of that date I was trying to escape

(don't forget to pause the jukebox on the top left to hear the words to this song above, then click play)
I heard this song on the radio tonight and have heard it before but not really listened to the words. I really love the message. "Before a heartache can touch my life, it has to go through your hands." God knows everything we are going through. He doesn't cause bad things to happen to us, but He knows when we are hurting and allows us to suffer. Nothing surprises God. He never leaves our side through it though. She sings "No matter what, I 'm gonna love you, no matter what I'm gonna need you.... I'll trust you no matter what!" that is paraphrased, but it is what I have to do. I'm putting my life in God's hands, I am trusting God to be my hope and my strength.
Some of you may know that yesterday, August 26th would have been Eric and my 15th Anniversary. I have been aware of this date coming up all month. My plan of attack was to keep myself busy the whole day so that I would not have to think about it and be sad or lonely. While I was eating breakfast, I started to tear up so I kept moving and got the kids set and headed to my brothers to do some accounting work for them. I got home in time to get ready to take the kids to starlight ministries which just started up again. This is a kids grief program that is in Jenison and is run by some amazing people. If you need info on this, I have the link to the right and their web page is http://www.starlightmin.org/. I picked up my friend and her kids and we planned to drop them off and go to dinner with another friend who is also a widow from ALS to stay distracted. I came home and decided to watch a movie with the kids so we picked one on TV that was PG and to my dismay, the father had cancer and dies in the movie. Horrible choice there. Me and the kids were in tears thinking of Eric and our loss. I tucked the kids into bed after we talked and prayed and got to my bedroom at 12:05 am and just started to think about Eric. I realized that no matter what I did that day, it wouldn't have mattered. I made it through most of the day without thinking about it, but it wasn't the date that was the struggle. It was what the date represented. I was thinking about dates this morning and thought about how we celebrate Christmas on December 25th every year, but we don't know exactly when Christ was born. We just choose that day so we could celebrate the birth of our Savior. We also celebrate Easter on a certain Sunday in April, mothers day and fathers day too never falls on the same day, even birthdays are different if you are a leap year baby.  Our anniversary honored a day that I made a commitment to the man I loved to stay with him in sickness and in health, til death do us part.  I wondered what we would have done to celebrate it if he were still here, if he never had ALS and I just started missing him all over again.  I thought about the kids and how no one could ever have their best interests in their heart as much as he did.  I just wanted him to be back here with us and not have ALS.  I know that only God can fill the void me and the kids are feeling right now so that is my prayer again.  Doing better today, but very tired. 

allowing myself to grieve

I am reading a few books right now, but the one I am most enjoying is called "Widow to Widow: Conversations on the new you" by Miriam Neff.  A few weeks after Eric passed away, My friend Sherri called me to tell me there was a woman on Moody Radio speaking about being a widow so I tuned in on line and then listened to her whole interview in the archives a few days later.  Everything she said made sense to me and was helpful in encouraging me in this new place I was in.  A few weeks ago, I remembered she said she wrote a book so I looked her up again and found her book and website http://www.widowconnection.com/ and I ordered it online.  When I got the book, I read the first page that said she became a widow on April 21, 2006.  My heart sank as I thought, she lost her husband EXACTLY 4 years before me.  Wow, strange cooincidence.  A few days later, my sister picked up the book and read the back and said "her husband had ALS too?" I picked up the book and read it and thought, she never said that on the interview.  Wow, again!  This is no coincidence, I am supposed to read this book so I started reading it that night.  That was the night I got no sleep and started this blog.  The first chapter I read dealt with grief and our emotions.  I have done a good job keeping busy this summer with the kids which I don't regret, but part of this is so I don't have to deal with my emotions all day.  I read the following through tears and started to wail:
"Our emotions are intense.  Why?  Two became one and now half of us is ripped away.  Every aspect of our life changes, like it or not, ready or not."
"Admitting what we feel is the beginning of moving forward and being able to make changes in our new life."
She talked about anticipatory grief you have when someone you love has an illness with no cure which I may elaborate on another post some time because I have definitely experienced this and it is different than the grief you experience when a loved one dies suddenly.
"The widows, loss to death is absolutely final. I am not saying our grief ids greater than others, simply different."
This one really got me.  "Does anyone know all that you are grieving now:  Yes, people realize you lost your husband.  But do they know you are suffering from the loss of future dreams?  Do you know the plans you had that will never materialize?  Do they know that 75% departure of your friendship network hurts too? ... you think of the advice your husband will never offer your children as they go through lifes big passages like marriage, career choices, grandchildren.  Please allow yourself to grieve in whatever way and for any amount of time that this emotion floats through your soul."
"Give yourself permission to forget the task at hand.  Grieving takes time and work.  If we don't allow ourselves to stop and recall, stop and weep, stop and drink in a memory, we miss a valuable moment of healing and moving forward." 
I finally allowed myself to acknowledge what I already knew and it hurt.  I expressed my grief freely in my room that night and even though it hurt me something fierce, it was something I needed to do and it allowed me to face my grief and start to accept my loss and the changes it would mean in my life. 
I have almost finished the book and feel like this woman is my "godly widow" who understands me and is giving me sound advice that I can relate to.  I can not wait to tell her what she has done for my soul by writing this book and I may just take a road trip to Chicago to do it in person some day.  Every chapter I read, I find more help in this journey.  Many things I am already doing, and the confirmation that it is "OK" is so encouraging to me.  I know the parts I have shared in part of her first chapter are tough, but I will share more ways God used her to speak to me in an encouraging way soon.  She has started a widow ministry and her website is http://www.widowconnection.com/ and it is linked at the top right of my blog as well. 
We are leaving for Family Camp tomorrow for a whole week. No TV, just fellowship with other beliefvers, nature and the lake and a cabin with bunks and a bathroom somewhere down the road.... oh boy! I am looking forward to reflecting again on God and life and spending time with my kids which I predict will mostly be when they come back to the cabin to go to sleep. There are lots of fun activities and other families with kids they will spend time with. I hope to use my quiet time to seek out some adventures and also to be still and know He is God. 
Be blessed this week.  Summer is coming to an end... Enjoy God's beauty with those you love! 

My Grace is sufficient for you....

Two days after the funeral of a good friend, I read it again in my devotional Streams in the Desert:  "My Grace is sufficient for you  2 Corinthians 12:9."  When God wants me to know something, it comes in repetition.  Sometimes I am can't even believe the context which I hear things over and over again in a given week and then I remember, It's God.  He will do whatever it takes to help me get what He wants me to know.  This devotional was a story from H.W. Webb Peploe about what God showed him about this verse after they buried their young child.  He tried to pray that God would make his grace sufficient for him.  He heard God say to him.  "How dare you ask me for something that is?  I cannot make My grace any more sufficient than I have already made it.  Get up and believe it, and you will find it to be true in your life."  Wow, the Bible is God's promise to us.  How often do we believe that it may not apply to us or a certain time in our life?  He goes on to pass on this lesson to others.  "Never change God's facts into hopes or prayers but simply accept them as realities, and you will find them to be powerful as you believe them."   This was very encouraging to me.  Remember next time you hear this verse to underline the is.  It's not will be or may be, IT IS! 

Jesus Calling devotional for August 4, 2010

While I was struggling tonight with grief, I read today's devotional since it is the next day even though I haven't slept yet.  Jesus Calling is a daily devotional that my sister gave me by Sarah Young.  I will refer to it often, I'm sure.  Here it is:
"Hold my Hand, and walk joyously with Me through this day.  Together we will savor the pleasures and endure the difficulties it brings.  Be on the lookout for everything I have prepared for you; stunning scenery, bracing winds of adventure, cozy nooks for resting when you are weary, and much more.  I am your Guide, as well as your Constant Companion.  I know every step of the journey ahead of you , all the way to heaven. 
You don't have to choose between staying close to me and staying on course.  Since I am the Way, staying close to me is staying on course.  As you focus your thoughts on Me, I will guide you carefully along today's journey.  Don't worry about what is around the next bend.  Just concentrate on enjoying my Presence and staying in step with Me." 

Thank you God again for already showing up so clearly to me now.  Please be with me as I finally lay my head to rest and  be my Constant Companion when I wake up.  Help me to focus on enjoying your presence and not to look ahead.  I know you will guide me to Your best for my life.  Amen.

Moving all the while

Moving All the While - lyrics by Sidewalk Prophets


In the morning as I wake, I pray my eyes do see.  On this narrow road I walk, You have made a path for me. CHORUS (Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! You were moving all the while) In sickness and in doubt, or questions that may raise, You claimed victory on the cross and You filled my lungs with praise. CHORUS On a dark and silent night, above Your beauty shines. And Your peace shall fill the earth, by Your love we are refined. CHORUS Through all the bitter storms, whatever comes our way, You will guide this vessel home, to live for all my days. CHORUS (2x) You were moving all the while!

This song is all I need to know right now.  I am struggling with sleep and know I need to start writing again.  It is about 3:30 a.m.  now and I loaded this song up in Itunes and hit the repeat button.  I think I am on the 20th time through now.  I just need to be reminded tonight and I want the words to fill my mind when I do fall asleep.  It is such a simple song, but it is my prayer as I lay down and when I rise to remember to see that God is moving all the while until He guides my vessel home to be with Him forever.  I really get excited on the Hallelujah's, especially at the end when the band belts it out.  I have not had my full voice for about a week now because I have been sick, but I still belt it out with a crackle in my voice because He fills my lungs with praise!
I am a newly widowed woman with two beautiful children and a void in my heart of the man I have known and loved half my life.  I know that the only one who can fill this void is God and his promises for my life.  If you want to read more about my journey up until this point, you can check out our blog at http://www.ericjfox.blogspot.com/ .  Writing has helped me on the journey with Eric through a debilitating disease called ALS.  I want to start writing again as I embark on my new beginning and travel down a new path in life that I have not tread before.  I am both scared to death and excited to see what God has in store for me.