Did she say dating???

Well, I think I left a few of you hanging long enough from my last post.  I have been on a journey of being single again from the moment Eric slipped into the arms of Jesus on April 21, 2010.  It has been a year and four months.  I won't lie, I have been aware of the idea of being single again the moment we received the diagnosis of ALS on May 18, 2007.  I never dreamed the day I married Eric (August 26, 1995 since we are throwing out dates), I would become single again.  I dreamed with Eric of growing old together and sitting on the porch of the bed and breakfast we owned swinging on a porch swing as we reflected on our life together.  What a reminder that we are not in control of our days or our life for that matter.  On September 11th,  ten years after the twin towers collapsed, we know this is true.  Life is a vapor.  It is reassuring  to know that we have a God who is in control of all things.  He grants us good things and allows bad things to happen too, but He is still God.  We live in a broken world of sin, sadness, sickness and tragedies strike us every day.  It is hard to imagine living in this world without any hope.  I wish everyone could know that hope I have in Christ, but to some it falls on deaf ears.  Anyway, this post was not to preach the gospel, but to fill you in on what is new in my life. 
I told you I considered being single again when Eric was diagnosed, which is a completely normal thing to consider when you are told your husband has an uncurable disease and has 2-5 years to live.  I decided to take those thoughts captive though as I was married to Eric and committed to him til death do us part, through sickness and health and I honored that commitment to him with everything I had.
When he passed away, I had a whole in my heart and a void in my life because we had a great marriage and a special kind of love.  It wasn't always that way, but the last few years seemed to bring us closer than ever.  I grieved Eric's death quite heavily both while he was sick and after he was gone.  I knew I would have to do that to be able to move forward with my life in a healthy way.  I told you in previous posts of how I took last summer to figure out who I was without Eric in my life and that has been an eye opening experience as I have come to discover things about myself that are now different, but good as I move forward. 
I want to share the process I have gone through in attempting to date again because I don't think there is much out there to tell you how it is done.  There is no easy way to do it or figure it out, no manual or instructions as it is different for everyone.  It is a completely foreign feeling after you have been married for so many years and escpecially if you married right out of high school or college.  This blog was intended for widows and for my friends to understand what it is like for a widow so I will share my thoughts on this subject not as advice, but to let you know, it is completely normal to go through these thoughts and feelings, at least I hope so :)  So here goes...
After Eric passed away, I thought to myself, there is no one out there my age that could possibly be someone I could date.  I really knew no one and thought, I may remain single forever.  I knew I wanted to remarry some day.  Because I had a great marriage, I want to find that again some day.  I had considered a few single men I knew, and Eric and I actually discussed a few at one point which seemed ridiculous to be talking about.  I had my 20 year class reunion coming up last August and got on facebook to connect with old friends.  I found myself looking at the status of old friends from high school to see who was still single or divorced and thought I am so alone and felt even desparate at points.  I was not desperate, just felt that way when I was alone at night with too much time to think about everything and missing Eric so much. 
I found myself noticing guys anywhere I went that were good looking and would look to their finger to see if they were married.  Most men were or I would find out they were in their 20's.  Last time I looked at men, I was in my 20's so I didn't even know my "type".  To be honest, my type had become Eric: tall, dark and handsome.  I have learned a lot from time and books and my own thoughts from God that I can never replace Eric, nor should I try to.  He will always be my first love and father to my children and nothing can take that away.  It would not be fair to anyone else to have expectations or make comparisons going into a relationship.  I find I will talk about Eric often as I want to keep his memory alive for my children and because 19 years of my life have been spent by his side, but I will never try to "replace" him. 
I knew I should get through my grieving before I confused my life with dating or involving another person to get close to me.  Thankfully, I am so blessed with great friends who have helped me talk through so many things.  I have good widow friends who I could throw all my crazy thoughts and feelings at who received them with laughter and understanding.  I used to tell a friend "I wish I could just rent a guy to cuddle with". 
I meant it, I miss touch, everyone thrives on human touch.  Eric lost the use of his hands early in the disease so he could not reach out to give me a hug or hold my hand or touch my face. 
I started talking to my kids about the idea of dating in March.  I wanted to know how they felt about it and didn't want to suddenly tell them, Mom is dating someone and I want you to meet him.  I took them to dinner and asked them what they thought and could tell, they hadn't given it much thought.  They thought for a bit and then said, I guess it would be OK.  I told them, I just wanted to go out to dinner or have someone to talk to as I was lonely and missed companionship.  I was not planning on dating at that point, but wanted to give them some time to think about it and tell me how they felt.  I think most of my friends were feeling a little surprised at the idea of my dating too, mostly some men who seemed rather protective including my brother.  I think most people looked at me and thought, you seem so happy and doing so well, why would you want to confuse your life with dating! 
A year had gone by rather quickly as I looked back and I was still thinking there is just no one out there for me to date.  I had this desire to try to control the situation knowing full well it would be God who would bring someone to me and probably not in any way I could have tryed to plan.  I told you I am a planner and like to be in control.  Anyways, sometime in May, I was home alone one Sunday night and reading my email and came across one of many emails for a Christian dating website.  Somehow, they must find out when you are single because I have gotten so many since Eric passed away or maybe I just never noticed before.  So it said "look for free" so I thought, why not look to see who is out there.  About 30 minutes later after I felt like I had to answer 2,000 questions, I was able to look at profiles of other "christian men" in the area.  It was quite entertaining at first as I laughed at some of the men and their photos and intros.  I thought, is that the best you could do?  A few profiles caught my eye so I decided to initiate conversations with them but found I had to "pay to play" so next thing you know I am signed up!  Who would have thought I would go there.  I remember thinking, please don't let anyone I know "see" me!  Anyway, I started talking to a few guys and someone said "should we meet?"  So there was my first date.  Lunch at Panera bread driving my own car so I could make a fast getaway if needed.  He was a nice guy, but no excitement in our conversation or meeting.  I actually preferred talking to him online and I think I created him to be someone else in my mind that I was hoping for.  Even though there was no connection, I felt great being able to have enough confidence to go out and meet someone.  I felt like I had taken a step towards this new adventure, overcoming some of my fears. 
Shortly after that date, my sister got much sicker and I cancelled my membership as I wanted to spend all of my time and energy with Kristi which I am so thankful to have done.  In July, I decided to get back on the site as I had paid for three months  (it was cheaper and I am dutch)  I chatted a few men on line and went on another date.  Again, nice guy, but no connection and no potential for a relationship.  I decided that this website was not a good way for me to meet a nice man at the end of July and joked with my friends about becoming a nun.  I have heard a few stories about online dating sites and how some have found true love, but what I found was the desparate need to find something by my own ways and I tended to create an image that didn't compare to the people I met.  It sometimes would boost my confidence and other times would sink my confidence if someone would not respond and make me wonder what do they think when they look at my profile.  Am I complicated, too much for someone to consider dating?  It just didn't seem like the way for me to meet someone.  I have prayed all along since Eric's death for God to prepare the heart of someone for me some day and started to pray again to let go of my need to control it.  I got off the site and decided to trust God. 
Literally that week, I had dinner with my widow friend and she said, I just thought of someone I think you should meet.  She had known him for about 20 years and had never considered him before, even in our talks about dating again.  I told her I was open if she considered him someone I could be with.  The things I needed a man to be are #1 a strong Christian with faith in God as I knew that if that was solid, many of my other concerns and worries would become smaller.  I also need someone who will consider my kids and their feelings if we were to start a relationship.  So, she talked to him and he called me the next week.  We had our first date on July 29 and he is not tall, or dark but he is handsome. We had a great conversation over dinner and he took me by surprise.  I had no ideas in my head or even a picture of what he looked like before we met.  We have been out quite a bit since then and initially, I was hoping for him to do or say something that would make me not want to date him because it seemed easier than processing my emotions and how I feel.  It is exciting to be dating again and scary at the same time.   I have really enjoyed getting to know Todd and love talking to him.  We are taking it very slow dating, but have fast tracked the conversations to some very serious things that we want to know about each other which I think has been really good as I don't want to date someone just to be dating.  My life is way to busy with two kids and everything God has placed in my life.  I want to be sure that my desire to be with someone lines up with God's plan for my life. 
Well, this is another one of my long posts, which I am famous for doing but I figured I would just throw it all out there.  I know there aren't many details about the man in my life here, but if it is meant to be, you may meet him some day if you haven't already.  I do know, I am praying as he is for direction in this relationship.  I am also, giddy like a school girl and have an extra spring in my step lately.  I feel like a teenager sometimes and am really enjoying being with him.  Todd is a great, Christian man who is very considerate of my feelings and so much fun to be with.  I will include some pictures for you girls who love details...

I will end this with something Todd found:  Ecclesiastes 3:1

"Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God Chooses."

God has set a time and season for every activity, enjoy the time, games, events, holidays, get togethers, church, vacations......

Blessings,
Lori

My Chicago Adventure

Well, last week I was off to the Windy City, well a little west of Chicago to a studio in Aurora, IL.  I was asked about a month ago by my godly widow, Miriam Neff,  to be part of a video series for http://www.widowconnection.com/ She wanted to do some interviews with me for this series.  I didn't hesitate to say yes because I love it when God gives me opportunities to share with others.  I know God didn't cause me to be in this situation, but I am here never the less and if I can do something good with it that will help others, then dog gone it, I'm in!  So I decided to make it a road trip.  This one was three generations of girls.  Eric's mom has never been to Chicago and Maddie hasn't either so us three girls headed out for an adventure.  We arrived in Aurora the night before and swam and relaxed in the hotel then got up early the next morning and headed to the Studio to meet Miriam and her crew.  She had a make-up artist there to touch up our make-up and that she did!  I was airbrush sprayed and painted all pretty.  I never have worn so much blush and lip stick in my life.  I guess it's a lights and camera thing.  I started to get nervous.... This was for real and what was I doing here???  I got to relax in the green room for a little bit and other widows had arrived.  I met some amazing women that day and love the connections I get pretty instantaneously with other widows.  I started to get relaxed again.  They wanted to get some B shots with me, Maddie and Grandma Fox interacting and me with other widows, etc. for the intro for the videos which was fun and a little awkward.  I am not by any means an actress, so when you tell me to do something specific, I just start to laugh as I think of myself trying to do it, but it was fun!  Maddie was a star and her and grandma got to get made up too.  Maddie kept saying "Mom, I need more lip gloss".  It was time for my first interview and I headed into the studio that looked like a set from Beth Moore and I started to get anxious again.  I sat in a chair and prayed while they were going through Miriam's teleprompter.  "God, not my words, but Yours.  I don't know what to say. Amen."  I sat across from Miriam and she said you and me are having a conversation (one widow to another) and that instantly calmed my nerves as I was looking at her, not the camera's and lights and people in the studio and could just talk to her.  I don't know for sure all I said or how it sounded but both interviews went good.  As always, when I am done doing something God wants me to do, I breathe a great big sigh of relief!  After that, we stayed for some more outdoor shots and headed out having made some new friends 7 hours after we arrived.  What an amazing day that was.  I loved it all!  The video series should be finished by September and will be available for widow groups. 
We headed back towards Chicago to finish our trip with the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and downtown Chicago the next day.  We spent plenty of time at the American Girl doll store at Water Tower Place on Michigan Ave.  Now this was an experience.  Maddie was so excited as we had been talking about this for a while and now we were finally there.  She picked the new doll from Hawaii named Kanani Akina and then we had to look at every other doll and outfit and accessory in the store, check out the doll salon to get her ears pierced and then finish it off by having lunch in their cafe with our new family member.  After that, we took a narrated boat ride through the city on the river and out through the Locks to Lake Michigan to view the city skyline.  It was a great day despite losing my $33.00 parking ticket to get us out of the garage.  We arrived home almost midnight exhausted but refreshed in our souls.  Here are some photos of our day in Chicago:

This ends my post on Chicago, as once again, it is the middle of the night and I can't sleep but need to try.  I have been so busy lately running kids and picking up extra kids that I need to get sleep to keep my sanity.  My next post may shock some of you ... Could Lori be dating?  Oh, this could be interesting...stay tuned :)

The days of Summer...

I have been quite busy this summer as many of you know.  Our summer started on June 10, the last day of school.  That morning, I was asked to attend an assembly at the Middle School to see Zach presented with an award called "be an 11"  (higher than a 10).  I attended by myself that morning in my workout clothes having no idea what an honor this award was.  Only 6 8th graders are chosen each semester for this award and they find out in the assembly in front of the whole school.  I was overwhelmed with pride but also had this sense of sadness for Zach as the other families seemed whole and put together with both parents attending.  My sadness was intensified that day as I received a call that night at 10pm that my sister had passed away at Hospice.  The last post summarizes this time of grief so I won't revisit that as it is still so hard.  Our family has waves of grief continually over her exit to heaven.  I miss her so much!  I miss Eric so much.  Another good friend just went to heaven this week  leaving her cancer filled body in exchange for a new one and I have her funeral today.  I hate sickness and know God does too as it isn't part of his plan.  None the less, we are faced with grief. 
But this post is about some good things happening in my life this summer so I will start now.  I had my 2nd annual week away at the house I rented in Grand Haven this summer at the end of June which I just love!  The house is small but cozy and we spent days at the beach with beautiful weather, eating out for dinner at some great restaurants, mornings at farmers market or getting our free slice of bread at Great Harvest, walking the pier, even jogged it a few times this year.  My kids attended Camp Anew while I was there so I had three of those nights with no kids and some widows and other friends were able to join me for some free mom time.  We got home from Grand Haven, unpacked and six days later were headed to Colorado for 9 days with our youth group.  I was one of 8 adults who chaperoned this amazing trip out West.  We had 16 kids ages 11-15 attending.  All ten of our youth group were able to go plus a few siblings and cousins including my beloved niece Ashley just one month after losing her mom.  God knew she was supposed to be on this trip so a spot opened up last minute just for her to go.  I was one of the drivers and the drive flew by as we enjoyed every minute of our time even through the flat, boring states like Iowa and Nebraska :)  Maddie stayed with family and friends this trip as she was too young for the adventures that lied ahead of us.  This was camping to it's core and I am not a camper.  We slept in tents on mountains with ice and snow, we climbed a 14,000 ft mountain to the top, we white water rafted on a high, fast and cold river, we ate the same food for days (food is fuel), we went to the bathroom in BIFF's (bathroom in forest floor), we rock climbed with only a rope attached and our hands and feet and repelled back down.  This trip was the epitome of "do hard things" and I loved every minute of it.  We spent time daily in God's word and reflecting on our days and being quiet before Him so we could hear from Him.  These moments, though hard for the kids to always be still were some of my favorite times, sitting with mountains all around us reflecting on who God is and how amazing He is.  I came back exhausted, yet refreshed.  By this time our summer was half way over.  It is now almost the end of August and we have mostly been around Michigan doing beach days, hanging out with friends and family and  a trip to Michigan's adventure, and Camp Geneva for the kids.  We are doing remarkably well, all things considered.  It will be a year and four months tomorrow since Eric passed away, but this 21st will be celebrated with Zach getting baptized as well as my nephew Carlos birthday.  I know Eric would be so proud to see Zach making this decision and hoping he is getting a glimpse of this from heaven.  Hebrews 12:1 says "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us"  I like to think that Eric is part of that great cloud of witnesses along with Kristi and others who have left this earth.  Check out Heb 12:2 and 3 as well if you like that verse.  (Use the link at the top of my blog to search it online)  Here is a link to the video I made of Colorado if you're interested.  Colorado Video 
I woke up again in the middle of the night, the time I usually write and was planning to write about my latest adventure in Chicago where I had an awesome opportunity to be part of a video series for widow connection, but I realized that I had some catching up to do before that so stay tuned for that. 
I met a widow there who has a phrase on her email signature that says "Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal... this is it!" so I am closing with that. 
Blessings,
Lori
some of my favorite pics from our trip to CO below:

A post from Stephanie, my sister in law

I have been wanting to update my blog and feeling exactly the way my sister in law, Stephanie describes in her first paragraph below.  She captured the feelings of our family so well as tears flowed continuously as I read her post this morning.  I have asked her if I could share her post on my blog to update all of you on the past few months and the way our lives have been affected by Kristi's last few months.  It is so hard to put into words but Stephanie's post does it well so this will be my update.  I hope this helps you understand some of the feelings we have all experienced again with such a deep loss.  Keep in mind, the rest of this post is written by Stephanie Kammeraad from her perspective (not me :)  just want to give credit where credit is due.
Post from Kammeraad family blog by Stephanie:
I don't know where to start. I've thought about updating the blog almost every day, but more out of feeling a sense of obligation than out of a desire to write. I don't know how to put into words all that our family has gone through over the past couple of months. Yet I want to honor our family, and Kristi in particular, by writing something. So therein lies the stress that I've carried around with me for weeks: feeling I should write, yet not having the motivation to do so. And now that it's been so long since I've written, I've built up a self-imposed expectation that this better be a good one! (I know, I'm my own worst enemy at times!)


Okay, I'll just begin. After battling ovarian cancer for over four years, and after much prayer and many tears, Kristi and Brian decided that Kristi should stop chemo. In February Kristi's doctor told them that she probably has about six months left to live. In April she started to feel more tired and worn-out, and was struggling with getting her pain medication under control. In May right around Mother's Day she took a turn for the worse. A week or so later she and Brian were told that she was down to about two weeks left to live. Brian told us a couple of days after they found out when Kevin and I were over for a visit. Brian told us and when we had a few moments to absorb the shock, Kristi came downstairs. Oh the tears! SHE comforted US, saying "It's going to be okay," while hugging us and rubbing Kevin's back as he sobbed. We sat on the couch with her and Brian as the kids played together and it felt like we could sit there all day. We just couldn't get enough of her. We wanted to just soak her in. *Sigh*

The next week we went over again and not realizing it was going to happen, had our "good bye visit" with her. It felt so sudden. Kevin went first, and then he brought Carlos up there to see her after a while. When it was my turn, I didn't know what to say. It didn't feel like a good bye visit. It felt like I was just hanging out with her having a girl talk while she was feeling a little under the weather. We were in their room, sitting on their bed, playing with Maria at first, and then later after Kevin took Maria back downstairs, talking about the kids, both hers and mine, just chatting like we usually did. There were a couple of serious times when she cried and I teared up, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that she was dying. Soon. It didn't seem real. I know now that I was in denial.

When we left after that, I was a wreck. I cried all the way home. Our roommate put the kids to bed for us so that Kevin and I could just have some time alone to process what was happening. We cried on and off at the restaurant that night. (Good thing the lighting was dim and we were sitting in a corner!) This was on a Sunday and the next day I fortunately did not have to go into work as usual. I had the week off as this was the week that Kristi, Lori, and I had booked tickets a couple months back to go on a sisters' trip together. Oh how excited we all were once our trip was booked! It was so beautiful to hear the joy and excitement in Kristi's emails as we wrote back and forth to one another about it. We could hardly wait to go! (Another sigh.) But it just wasn't meant to be. God had different plans for us. I felt so heavy hearted that day and all through the next. Kevin and I felt so alone in our sadness. We know we have friends, but it didn't feel like we could connect with any of them right then. We didn't feel close to anyone, and it was very lonely. We lamented the fact that we hadn't kept in closer touch with friends over the past year and a half, and that we were still new in our church family. Hardly anyone knew what was going on (most of our friends new that Kristi was battling ovarian cancer, but no one knew she had taken a turn for the worse and that we were at the end.) I'm so thankful to God that he put it on my heart to reach out to a few certain people! Those particular friends were an absolute GIFT from the Lord, and stood by us in such generous and beautiful ways. I don't know how we would have gotten through those most difficult weeks without them. I know that I've digressed a bit, but I just had to acknowledge my deepest thanks to those dear friends.

My memory of the timeline of events is a little fuzzy now, but I think that Kristi went into Hospice Home of Holland the end of that week. We thought she would be there for only a day or two, but her body held on for three weeks before she went home to be with Jesus on June 10th. While she was in the Hospice Home, Kevin went there nearly every day, as did Lori, and their parents. The kids and I went several times. It was hard to see Kristi deteriorating, but she was such a sweetheart! She always had a smile for any of us who came to see her, and Brian and Kevin and Lori and their parents can tell many, many stories of her kind and loving nature coming out strongly all the way to the end. She was shining beautifully!

Kevin had been at the Hospice Home on June 10th and the kids and I came in at dinner time. Aunt Diane (Kevin's dad's sister) was there as she had flown in earlier that day. Kristi's breathing had become raspier that day, but we left around 9:00 p.m. saying that we'd see everyone tomorrow, under the impression that Kristi still had a few days left. By the time we reached Grand Rapids, the kids were almost asleep. We just didn't have it in us to "put them to bed," so we decided that I should continue driving around (nine times out of ten Kevin does the driving, but for some reason I did that night) until they fell asleep so that we could just plop them into bed when we got home. We literally drove around Grand Rapids on the highway and just as we were on the opposite side of town from where our house is, minutes after the kids had both fallen asleep, Kevin's cell phone rang. It was his mom, saying the Kristi had passed away.

That was one of the longest drives home. I was shaking. Kevin had to call Lori and tell her. I could hear Lori's sobs over Kevin's cries as they wept together. We called our roommates and thankfully they were both home when we arrived so we could drop the kids into their beds and then turn around and head back into Holland to the Hospice Home. I'm shaking now as I type all of this, recalling the sensations I felt that same night. After throwing an overnight bag together and tying up a few loose ends, we were on our way. We talked to Lori about picking her up so that we could all drive together, but we all decided that we'd just pack up our things and start out the door as soon as we each could and then would check back in with each other before we arrived at Hospice. In the crazy and beautiful way that is God's, due to the wrong exit that Lori's friend took who was driving her and then the wrong turn she made, we ended up turning into the driveway/parking lot of the Home exactly behind Lori. We got out of our cars at the exact same time and were able to walk into the Home hand in hand. I can still picture our walk down the hallway like it was yesterday. Oh the sobbing as we embraced Mom and Dad. Oh the tears as we gathered together around Kristi's bed. More sobbing as Brian came back into the room and heartbroken reached for his bride.

It was an exhausting and tough night and next few days especially. Brian and Kristi with the help of many people put together a beautiful visitation and memorial service. Our days were filled with friends and family and tears. Our family has a very obvious hole in it. Our first hole was left by Eric's passing last year, and now another hole with Kristi's passing. I keep thinking about how "now there are four." Four of us siblings & spouses where there used to be six. Four of the original Kammeraad family of Mom, Dad, Kristi, Lori, and Kevin. And now only four Rogalskes, where Brian, Ashley, Nathan, and Emily are now without their wife and mom. There have been and continue to be so many people who are praying for us and all of the people I just mentioned above. Thank you so very much. We couldn't get through all of this without your prayers. Please continue, as the grieving continues for everyone.

Before I end this extremely long post, I wanted to say a few words about Kristi. She was a beautiful, kind, loving, generous person. Such an amazing wife and mom and daughter and sister and friend. She had a strong relationship with God, and she will be leaving a beautiful legacy of faith to all of those whose lives intersected with hers.

I'll miss laughing and talking with her at family gatherings. I'll miss talking with her about the books we're reading. I'll miss her smile and the way she interacted with her kids and nieces and nephews. I'll miss her quirky sense of humor in her emails as we'd write back and forth about our menus for the family camping trips and holiday meals. I'll miss her homemade stamped cards and the way she wrote her letter "a"s. We love her. We miss her. We can't wait to see her again in heaven!

Where did May go? reflections of a really tough month...

I have not updated this blog in a while because my life has not been "normal" since Mother's day in May.  I got a text from my sister late at night asking if I could come the next morning with a warning that she didn't want to see anyone and she was feeling quite "poopy" (her words not mine) closest she ever comes to a swear word.  I came the next morning and could see that things had changed quite a bit with her condition of Ovarian Cancer.  Back on February 9, she had been told she had six months to live and it had only been three and she had turned a corner as her body was slowly being consumed by the cancer and was shutting down.  Looking back, the signs were there.  Not wanting to be with people, eating less, sleeping more.  We just didn't want to recognize this was happening.  Back in February, my sister and I had planned to take a trip to Myrtle Beach in late May with our sister in law and Kristi was really excited about getting away as was I.  Towards the end of April, Kristi told me that she wouldn't be able to take that trip with us and I was so sad.  Selfishly sad.  I had really wanted to have her all to myself for a bit and to create more memories with her.  After a rough Mother's day weekend, Hospice had told her husband, Brian it looked more like weeks left rather than months.  When someone is sick with a terminal illness, it is a process of grief called anticipatory grief that you go through as you slowly lose another piece of the one you love.  You move to a new normal with each change, some slow and some so fast you hardly have time to adjust.  Our trip was cancelled as we realized we may have only a few weeks to be with Kristi and talk with her, spend time with her and show her, Brian and the kids our love.  I have spent most of May in Holland when I could with my sister, my parents and my nieces and nephews and I have no regrets.  Life is such a vapor and too short in Kristi and Eric's lifetime.  It is now well into June and almost Summer break.  The days have blurred together for our whole family as we thought Kristi was going to meet Jesus on Tuesday night, May 24th as things had rapidly progressed but God had a different plan.  She was moved to Hospice Home on May 25th and has now been there two whole weeks.  Hospice has brought a wave of emotions over me as it brings back so much of Eric's last days here on earth.  Eric and Krisit's experiences are very different and my grief and feelings are also so different right now.  I didn't have this long to say goodbye to Eric as we did not bring him to Hospice to die, but to give me a break and manage his deteriorating condition.  It took us all by surprise when Eric slipped into the arms of Jesus.  Kristi is ready to meet Jesus, we have all said our goodbyes or "see you soon's" and I love you's and she is so ready to go, but she is still here.  People all over are joining us in prayer that God would take her home, but she is still here.  It is just a bittersweet time for me and my family.  Daily, I watch her life slipping away, yet I am still greeted by her smile and "I love you" and "silly girl!" when she is awake and coherant.  I just want to scoop her up most times and take her home with me.  I am missing Eric so much more now too.  I wish he was here each night when my day ends to comfort me when I cry.  When her time comes, we will again have to adjust to the void in our lives left as we hurt deeply for our loss.  Life will have to go back to some sort of normal again as we are still here living.  Until then, I feel like God has hit the hold button for me as I step back from life and concentrate on what really matters right now, being with my family.  Thank you so much for all of your prayers and offers to help us.  God has been filling us with his peace and covering us with his love.  If you haven't followed Brian and Kristi's blog, it is linked on the right of my blog or go to http://www.briankristi.blogspot.com/
In Him who continues to give me strength,
Lori

You make all things new....

Well, it is hard to believe that a year has passed since Eric's exit to heaven.  I had been dreading and thinking about the day for weeks prior.  I thought about Eric all the time in those weeks and would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him and crying.  Everything that was happening again this time of the year would trigger thoughts of Eric at this time last year as he was at Hospice in the end stages of ALS.  Me and the kids started to look at home videos and old photos and miss those good days so much.  My devotional for April 21st spoke volumes to me as I thought about the man Eric had become since getting saved in 1998.  It said "He did not waver.. regarding the promise...being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.  Romans 4:19-21  Abraham didn't weaken in his faith as he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead.  He didn't look at himself,  but Almighty God.  He didn't waver, but stood straight, not bending beneath the staggering load of God's blessing.  Instead of growing weak, his faith grew stronger, exhibiting more power, even as more difficulties became apparant.  Abraham glorified God for His complete sufficiency."  When I read this, tears streamed down my face as I pictured Eric when he took his last breath standing straight up out of his wheelchair and entering into glory in the presence of the One he was persuaded would do what He had promised.  Eric was healed in an instant and welcomed with open arms as he heard "well done, good and faithful servant."  I can only imagine what awaits us on the other side of death as we that are still here feel the grief of our loss. 
The day arrived and it had been a week full of cold, rainy weather.  We even got snow on the ground on Monday that week that stuck around for a little while.  But Thursday, April 21st was not like the rest of the week.  The sun came out and beamed gloriously down all day.  Eric's parents and close family friend, Carol came here at noon and we went to get the kids out of school and headed to Fort Custer National Cemetery.  We brought flowers to place on the grave where Eric's body was buried one year earlier.  If you recall, last year when we buried him, it had been rainy all weekend and then after he was buried, it got dark and then before we headed home on the bus, the sun shone brightly through the clouds as the song "In Christ Alone" went through my head.  "Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again" reminding me that Christ had conquered death on the cross and that Eric was with Him and bought with the precious blood of Christ.  As we sat by his grave with the sun shining down, I know God gave us that sun again to remind us of that hope, probably at Eric's request knowing what it would do for me.  We cried as we sat there and thought about Eric and how much we miss him, but the thought of Eric with his new body gives me so much peace.  We took our time on the way home and the kids decided to miss their sports that night and we had a nice dinner on the way home.  By that evening, I felt completely exhausted emotionally. 
The next morning as I woke up, I felt joy and a spring in my step as I started to clean the house and prepare food for family and close friends to come over to celebrate Eric's life that night.  I turned up the radio and was praising God as I prepared.  It's really hard to explain, but I felt like it was a new day and I had a fresh start again.  It just felt new like a change of seasons.  Especially the season of Spring as things come up from the ground and new life starts as we see the green buds.  We had nearly 100 people come over to our open house and I had put tissues all around for people if they needed them and I don't believe a tear was shed.  We ate Eric's favorite foods, his favorite pasta from Carabba's, salad with olive garden dressing, pineapple, BBQ meatballs and a belgian waffle bar with all the toppings, plus chocolate chip cookies and rice crispie treats for dessert.  We watched some old videos of Eric when the kids were so little, looked at photo albums and enjoyed eachother's company just as Eric would have loved.  It was a perfect way to start a new year.  I am blessed with amazing friends and family.  I have created a video of the night below.  Click on the link after you pause the jukebox at the top of the blog.
Celebrating Eric's Life one year later
On Saturday, we had a crazy day of games, practice, team pics and then headed to St Johns to celebrate Easter with the Fox side for dinner which was really nice. 
On Easter Sunday, we headed to Holland to go to my parent's and sister's family's church.  The music was great as the choir and kids sang of Christ's resurrection.  One of my favorites that I keep singing and catch Maddie singing all week is Matt Maher's "Christ is Risen"  It is such a powerful song about the resurrection of Christ and how he conquered death by death once and for all.  The link to the song is below if you don't know it. 
https://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-mXeA0G_xKc%26feature%3Dshare&h=ba993
The Pastor talked about Resurrection in 1 Corinthians 15.  As he preached, I listened and read the whole chapter and kept borrowing Maddie's pen to underline.  I know it is a lot but I want to share with you some of what I highlighted because it is written and true in God's word and is a promise to all who believe in Christ and call upon Him to be saved. 
1 Corinthians 14 says "And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith." but it goes on in verse 20-22 to say "But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep.  For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man.  For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive."  Then later in the chapter it talks about the reserrection body and the last Adam (Christ) who gives us new life.  in verse 42-45 "So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable;  it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power;  it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body.  So it is written: “The first man Adam became a living being”; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit."  This is so encouraging to me as I think about our earthly bodies that can't even in the healthiest state begin to compare to our spiritual heavenly bodies:  perishable vs. imperishable, dishonor vs. glory, weakness vs. power. Eric now has the latter of these and that is an amazing truth for me to wrap my mind around.  The chapter ends as powerfully as it begins in verse 54-58 "When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory."
 “Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
So that is where I ended my weekend, thanking God for the victory on the cross and standing firm as I seek to continue to give myself to God's work just as my beloved husband did until he saw first hand that his labor was not in vain. 
I hope you were able to celebrate Easter and the Resurrection last weekend and know that Christ swallowed up death with victory once and for all. 
He is Risen!
Love,
Lori

My testimony at a women's conference in March on Abundant Joy

Pause Jukebox at the top before pressing play :)

Lori speaking at Women's retreat at Remembrance Church on Abundant Joy 3/19/11 from Lori Fox on Vimeo.

Story featured on Widow Connection website

My story on Widow Connection website
Widow Connection website

A few months ago, I was asked by Miriam Neff of Widow Connection and author of Widow to Widow if I could write up my story for her website.  After months of being busy and procrastination, I finally took some time to share my story in hopes to encourage others who have been widowed in the promises of God in his Word and His faithfulness.  Some references were taken straight from my last blog post so some may seem familiar, but so true!  I am truly honored to share my story with others in this way and share where my hope comes from!

Choosing to trust

Yesterday marked 11 months since Eric went to heaven.  I am always very aware of the 21st and that each 21st moves me closer to being a year since Eric died.  I have very mixed emotions about this as I know it will be a very tough day.  Sometimes, I can't believe it has already been 11 months, and other times it seems like it has been so long since I've had Eric with me.  I can say that God has been good to us and has been faithful to never leave us through this journey of grief and loss.  I can also say that I have experienced joy that I couldn't even dreamed possible the day Eric died.  This isn't like joy you receive for being successful in something or joy from the thrill of something, it's like a deep down joy that comes from peace.  I spoke at a women's conference last Saturday with the theme of Abundant Joy and was amazed as I prepared at all of the scripture I found on joy and how true they were to my life.  I hope to be able to put my talk on this blog soon to encourage those of you who are struggling to find joy.  One reference on joy that really stuck out to me was Psalm 30:10-12 "Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me; LORD be my help.  You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.  Lord my God, I will praise you forever."  This is my prayer and praise to God for his goodness to me and my kids throughout this year. 
I have done a lot of grieving and a lot of thinking and praying about what I am supposed to do with Eric gone and who I am, what is my purpose?  Miriam said it so well in her book Widow to Widow.  She said half of you has been torn away when you lose a spouse, you need to take the time to heal that wound and discover who you are as a new person.  Not a wounded half person, but a new whole person.  When I read that this past summer, I knew that is what I was doing and it was healthy and OK.  I did so many great things with Eric and supported him in so many of his passions all of our life together and now I had to figure out what God created me to do, what are my passions?  I have spent time taking care of myself in many areas I had neglected while caring for Eric such as my health and weight.  I have lost 30 lbs since September and feel great.  I have more energy to take care of my kids and I want to be around a long time to take care of them, Lord willing.  I have learned my spiritual gifts and my purpose by a small group study in my home called Chazown by Craig Groeschel and am so excited to live this out and "end up somewhere on purpose".  I have had numerous opportunities to testify to God's goodness in my life. 
Recently I heard another verse that summarizes well my brokenness and grief.  Isaiah 64:8 states "Yet you, LORD, are our Father.  We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."  Then I heard another reference to this last week at church in Jeremiah 18:3-4 that says "So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel.  But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him."
I was marred and broken when Eric passed away, but God took that same clay he formed me with and is creating something new as He sees best.  That is encouraging to me.  God isn't finished with me yet and His plans are always better than my plans. 
Am I always at peace and clinging to God's promises?  No, the human flesh in me cries out often and I get anxious about my future and try to take over.  I try to plan things on my own and figure out what my life may look like some day and then I start to worry.  Last week in BSF, my teaching leader, Rachel shared a truth with us.  She said "every opportunity to fear comes with an invitation to trust God."  This is so true.  Eric and I decided to trust God when we got the diagnosis of ALS.  I am deciding to trust God with my life and His plans for me, to trust God with my sister's cancer.  To trust God with my kids.  To trust God with the scary things happening in the world.  Fear Cripples us, but trusting in God sustains us and allows us to move forward with confidence.  God says he will never leave us or forsake us and that is all I need to know right now. 
On April 21, I am planning on visiting Eric's grave with his mom and the kids and any family that wants to come.  On Friday, April 22nd I would like to have my home open to friends and family to come over to celebrate Eric's life and remember him.  My dad has finished the video of the funeral and the sharing afterwards and the time at Fort Custer and I will have that playing downstairs for anyone who wants to watch it.  I would also like anyone who was not ready to share a memory of Eric or how he impacted your life to do that in private that day on video to keep for my kids and me.  I think it is extremely important for my kids to remember the person their father was and the legacy he left behind.  I will send out more information on that later, but I wanted some of you to be thinking about what you might say.  
Thank you for your love and support.  I find it no coincidence that God has brought me comfort in his Word and the timing of it and I hope you may find that to be the case for you too and are encouraged today!
Blessings,
Lori

Phillips Craig & Dean "Nothing To Prove" Video w/ Lyrics from Fearless

This song captures how Eric lived and what kind of example he was as a father to my kids. It x before pressing play good reminder of how we all should live our lives... with no excuses or regrets. Remember to mute the jukebox above before pressing play. 

A way in the desert

I have been struggling for a long time now with my sister's cancer and still wonder how it can be that in 2007, two of the people I love the most in my life were diagnosed with a life threatening disease.  I don't think I will come up with a reason why.  My sister's cancer is incurable and hospice has stepped in.  Her doctor has given her six months to live.  I can share that with you now because they have chosen to share their deepest fears on their blog and it is a gut wrenching blow to take in.  I do know that in life my faith will be tested by Satan.  The Bible says in Luke 22:31-32  "Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat.  But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers"
There are days when I feel just a glimpse of what Job went through when God allowed him to be tested by Satan.  I have to say that through all of this my faith has grown stronger, but I wonder how long God will allow these tests.  Is there a point where I can say I've passed with flying colors and I graduate?  I'm afraid as long as I have faith, it will be tested and that is the one thing I can't afford to lose.  My faith in God is what keeps me going every day.  It is the reason I live and the reason I was created.  I am doing a small group right now called "Chazown" discovering my life's purpose and one of my spiritual gifts is Faith.  I took this test over six years ago and faith was not one of my  gifts.  Our past experiences are part of what creates our purpose and develops our spiritual gifts.  My experiences have not depleted my faith but grown it abundantly and as Luke says I am to use it to "strengthen my brothers".  This is why I choose to write this entry.  I have really been struggling emotionally this week.  My sister's cancer and prognosis has been so difficult to handle because I love her so dearly and it brings a flood of emotions of what Eric and I went through and the grief of missing him comes to the surface often.  I also wish I had him here to share in my pain for my sister and her family.  To give me a comforting word or a hug I haven't had from him in so long.  My life is good, really and full with my kids and everything God is doing in my life, but I am just going through some desert times.  I am studying Isaiah in BSF right now and we have turned the corner in Isaiah 40 where the book goes from "afflicting the comfortable to comforting the afflicted" and I want to share some key verses that I read over last night again to refresh my faith and bring me comfort. 
Isaiah 40 starts out "Comfort, comfort, my people, says your God."
Isaiah 40:8 says the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.
A well known and often quoted passage is Isaiah 40:29-31: He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint. 
Chapter 41 reminds us of God as our helper, Isaiah 41:10 is one of my favorites:  So do not fear, for I am with you; do now be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strenghten you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 
Chapter 43 speaks to me deeply as it is Valentine's day today and God says "You're mine".  It says "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When (not if) you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior... Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you."
The last verses I want to share with you are Isaiah 43:18-19:  Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
I wrote next to this verse in my Bible in June of 2007 "Eric ALS" and I saw that last night as I was reading.  I thought to myself, what did I mean by this and what does this mean to me now?   I think I was encouraged back then that our God can make a way in the desert because that is where I felt like I was then and again as I read this passage I am finding myself back in the desert today.  Nevertheless, I am encouraged that God can still do a new thing, am I seeing it?  He can recreate nature to make a river in a desert just for me.  That is encouraging!  I am still praying for a miracle for my sister because I know He is able to do that and more, but I am also clinging to the God of all comfort for my strength and my hope.   These verses speak to me and I am sharing my struggles, but these are for all of God's chosen so I hope you are encouraged as well and you know the God who is able to strenghten you. 
In Him,
Lori

From Streams in The Desert on Feb 12
"I believe that a day of understanding will come for each of us, however far away it may be.  We will understand as we see the tragedies that today darken and dampen the presence of heaven for us take their proper place in God's great plan- a plan so overwhelming, magnificent, and joyful, we will laugh with wonder and delight."  Arthur Christopher Bacon

"Chance has not brought this ill to me;
It's God's own hand, so let it be
For He sees what I cannot see.
There is a purpose for each pain,
And He one day will make it plain
That earthly loss is heavenly gain.
Like a piece of tapestry
Viewed from the back appears to be
Only threads tangled hopelessly;
But in the front a picture fair
Rewards the worker for his care,
Proving his skill and patience rare.
You are the workman, I am the frame.
Lord, for the glory of Your Name,
Perfect your image on the same.
selected"

Getting through the "firsts".....

Many of you have wondered how our Christmas was.  I really love Christmas and as the season approached, I wanted to start decorating to bring some cheer into the house so our decorations were up before Thanksgiving.  Maddie gets so excited when she sees those red totes come out.  We were putting things out and I saw Eric's stocking with the rest of ours and before I knew it, Maddie had it hanging by the fireplace with the rest of ours.  I asked her if she wanted to put something in his stocking this year and we decided we would write a letter to Eric and put it in there as we missed him this year. 
Eric had made seperate videos for me, Zach, Maddie, his mom and dad, brother and sister after he was diagnosed so that he could share one last message to all of us when he was no longer here.  I watched mine six months after he went to heaven and had the kids watch theirs individually with me on Christmas Eve.  This was a time of many tears as we watched Eric early on in the progression of the disease (2007) share his love, wisdom and heart for our kids and their futures.  We even laughed a little bit, but mostly cried as we just wish so badly that he was still here.  I was reminded of how much Eric loved our kids and wanted God's best for them always.  These videos are a treasure and will be watched over and over at times we need them.  I can picture showing portions of them at the kid's weddings so that somehow Eric can be a part of that day. 
The kids are doing remarkably well and I am too.  That is only explained by God's grace and love that covers us daily. 
On Christmas morning, we all woke up after sleeping in my bed together and opened stockings, ate breakfast and read our letters to dad to eachother as I cried some more.  I want to share the kids letters:
Maddie wrote Dear Dad.  I really miss you.  I love you so much.  I wish you were here.  I know he is not here but we will still have a great Christmas. 
Zach wrote It's Christmas time already.  I know it's going to be hard because it's the first Christmas without you with us, as a full family. But I wanted to tell you how much I love you because I remember all the memories we shared and all the things I learned from you.  I watched your video today and I am going to strive towards God with every bit of me because I know it's the best thing ever.  I know our time together on earth was shorter than we expected but I also know that I am going to be in heaven soon when God calls me and I will get to spend an eternity there with you.  Merry Christmas Dad. Love always, your son Zach Fox. 
Zach is just like his dad because Eric always signed cards to me Eric J. Fox like I didn't know which Eric they were from. 
I have to say that Christmas was difficult, but also beautiful precious new memories shared with those I love.  I took the kids the day after Christmas on a short surprise trip to Cincinnati to a hotel with a pool and we just hung out together, swam, worked out together, watched movies and went to the Creation Museum in Kentucky which was amazing!  It makes sense to me to remember the traditions and good things with loved ones we have lost and to also do some new things.  It was a great decision to get away and very special for me and the kids. 
More time has gone by and a new year has begun already.  Even though we are in the middle of winter and it is looking drearier outside with the sun disappearing more each day, It feels like we are continuing to move forward and healing in the process.  I have read a few books that continue to give me hope.  One is Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo which brought so many tears of joy as I read it almost all in one night.  I couldn't help but think of Eric in a place we can't even begin to imagine in our minds and the vivid reminder that he is there holding our two unborn children while I am here with Zach and Maddie.  I also read Choosing to SEE by Marybeth Chapman which reminds me that there is always good in the bad.  Her book is so heartfelt, real and God honoring sharing their tragic loss of little Maria.  I recommend both books to anyone looking for a shot of hope in a tough world. 
My devotional Streams in the Desert on Jan 20th (the day before Eric's birthday) I read about sorrow and it expressed how I feel so well so I want to close this very long entry by sharing some of it with you. 
"Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.  Eccl 7:3 Sorrow under the power of divine grace, performs various ministries in our lives.  Sorrow reveals unknown depths of the soul, and unkown capacities for suffering and service.  If humankind were still in a glorified state having never fallen, then the strong floods of divine joy would be the force God would use to reveal our soul's capacities.  But in a fallen world, sorrow, yet with despair removed, is the power chosen to reveal us to ourselves..to think deeply and seriously.  It opens within us the capacities of the heavenly life, and it makes us willing to set our capacities afloat on a limitless sea of service for God and for others." it then closes with "Blessed is sorrow, for it reveals God's comfort.  The storm that had impoverished him made him rich.  So it is oftentimes in life." 
I am beginning to see the plan for my life unfold and feel God's comfort every step of my journey and have even experienced rich blessings in the storm. 
Thanks for hearing my heart if you stuck with me this long. 
Blessings,
Lori

Isaiah 40:10-11
See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.