You make all things new....

Well, it is hard to believe that a year has passed since Eric's exit to heaven.  I had been dreading and thinking about the day for weeks prior.  I thought about Eric all the time in those weeks and would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him and crying.  Everything that was happening again this time of the year would trigger thoughts of Eric at this time last year as he was at Hospice in the end stages of ALS.  Me and the kids started to look at home videos and old photos and miss those good days so much.  My devotional for April 21st spoke volumes to me as I thought about the man Eric had become since getting saved in 1998.  It said "He did not waver.. regarding the promise...being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.  Romans 4:19-21  Abraham didn't weaken in his faith as he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead.  He didn't look at himself,  but Almighty God.  He didn't waver, but stood straight, not bending beneath the staggering load of God's blessing.  Instead of growing weak, his faith grew stronger, exhibiting more power, even as more difficulties became apparant.  Abraham glorified God for His complete sufficiency."  When I read this, tears streamed down my face as I pictured Eric when he took his last breath standing straight up out of his wheelchair and entering into glory in the presence of the One he was persuaded would do what He had promised.  Eric was healed in an instant and welcomed with open arms as he heard "well done, good and faithful servant."  I can only imagine what awaits us on the other side of death as we that are still here feel the grief of our loss. 
The day arrived and it had been a week full of cold, rainy weather.  We even got snow on the ground on Monday that week that stuck around for a little while.  But Thursday, April 21st was not like the rest of the week.  The sun came out and beamed gloriously down all day.  Eric's parents and close family friend, Carol came here at noon and we went to get the kids out of school and headed to Fort Custer National Cemetery.  We brought flowers to place on the grave where Eric's body was buried one year earlier.  If you recall, last year when we buried him, it had been rainy all weekend and then after he was buried, it got dark and then before we headed home on the bus, the sun shone brightly through the clouds as the song "In Christ Alone" went through my head.  "Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again" reminding me that Christ had conquered death on the cross and that Eric was with Him and bought with the precious blood of Christ.  As we sat by his grave with the sun shining down, I know God gave us that sun again to remind us of that hope, probably at Eric's request knowing what it would do for me.  We cried as we sat there and thought about Eric and how much we miss him, but the thought of Eric with his new body gives me so much peace.  We took our time on the way home and the kids decided to miss their sports that night and we had a nice dinner on the way home.  By that evening, I felt completely exhausted emotionally. 
The next morning as I woke up, I felt joy and a spring in my step as I started to clean the house and prepare food for family and close friends to come over to celebrate Eric's life that night.  I turned up the radio and was praising God as I prepared.  It's really hard to explain, but I felt like it was a new day and I had a fresh start again.  It just felt new like a change of seasons.  Especially the season of Spring as things come up from the ground and new life starts as we see the green buds.  We had nearly 100 people come over to our open house and I had put tissues all around for people if they needed them and I don't believe a tear was shed.  We ate Eric's favorite foods, his favorite pasta from Carabba's, salad with olive garden dressing, pineapple, BBQ meatballs and a belgian waffle bar with all the toppings, plus chocolate chip cookies and rice crispie treats for dessert.  We watched some old videos of Eric when the kids were so little, looked at photo albums and enjoyed eachother's company just as Eric would have loved.  It was a perfect way to start a new year.  I am blessed with amazing friends and family.  I have created a video of the night below.  Click on the link after you pause the jukebox at the top of the blog.
Celebrating Eric's Life one year later
On Saturday, we had a crazy day of games, practice, team pics and then headed to St Johns to celebrate Easter with the Fox side for dinner which was really nice. 
On Easter Sunday, we headed to Holland to go to my parent's and sister's family's church.  The music was great as the choir and kids sang of Christ's resurrection.  One of my favorites that I keep singing and catch Maddie singing all week is Matt Maher's "Christ is Risen"  It is such a powerful song about the resurrection of Christ and how he conquered death by death once and for all.  The link to the song is below if you don't know it. 
https://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-mXeA0G_xKc%26feature%3Dshare&h=ba993
The Pastor talked about Resurrection in 1 Corinthians 15.  As he preached, I listened and read the whole chapter and kept borrowing Maddie's pen to underline.  I know it is a lot but I want to share with you some of what I highlighted because it is written and true in God's word and is a promise to all who believe in Christ and call upon Him to be saved. 
1 Corinthians 14 says "And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith." but it goes on in verse 20-22 to say "But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep.  For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man.  For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive."  Then later in the chapter it talks about the reserrection body and the last Adam (Christ) who gives us new life.  in verse 42-45 "So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable;  it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power;  it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body.  So it is written: “The first man Adam became a living being”; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit."  This is so encouraging to me as I think about our earthly bodies that can't even in the healthiest state begin to compare to our spiritual heavenly bodies:  perishable vs. imperishable, dishonor vs. glory, weakness vs. power. Eric now has the latter of these and that is an amazing truth for me to wrap my mind around.  The chapter ends as powerfully as it begins in verse 54-58 "When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory."
 “Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
So that is where I ended my weekend, thanking God for the victory on the cross and standing firm as I seek to continue to give myself to God's work just as my beloved husband did until he saw first hand that his labor was not in vain. 
I hope you were able to celebrate Easter and the Resurrection last weekend and know that Christ swallowed up death with victory once and for all. 
He is Risen!
Love,
Lori

My testimony at a women's conference in March on Abundant Joy

Pause Jukebox at the top before pressing play :)

Lori speaking at Women's retreat at Remembrance Church on Abundant Joy 3/19/11 from Lori Fox on Vimeo.

Story featured on Widow Connection website

My story on Widow Connection website
Widow Connection website

A few months ago, I was asked by Miriam Neff of Widow Connection and author of Widow to Widow if I could write up my story for her website.  After months of being busy and procrastination, I finally took some time to share my story in hopes to encourage others who have been widowed in the promises of God in his Word and His faithfulness.  Some references were taken straight from my last blog post so some may seem familiar, but so true!  I am truly honored to share my story with others in this way and share where my hope comes from!

Choosing to trust

Yesterday marked 11 months since Eric went to heaven.  I am always very aware of the 21st and that each 21st moves me closer to being a year since Eric died.  I have very mixed emotions about this as I know it will be a very tough day.  Sometimes, I can't believe it has already been 11 months, and other times it seems like it has been so long since I've had Eric with me.  I can say that God has been good to us and has been faithful to never leave us through this journey of grief and loss.  I can also say that I have experienced joy that I couldn't even dreamed possible the day Eric died.  This isn't like joy you receive for being successful in something or joy from the thrill of something, it's like a deep down joy that comes from peace.  I spoke at a women's conference last Saturday with the theme of Abundant Joy and was amazed as I prepared at all of the scripture I found on joy and how true they were to my life.  I hope to be able to put my talk on this blog soon to encourage those of you who are struggling to find joy.  One reference on joy that really stuck out to me was Psalm 30:10-12 "Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me; LORD be my help.  You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.  Lord my God, I will praise you forever."  This is my prayer and praise to God for his goodness to me and my kids throughout this year. 
I have done a lot of grieving and a lot of thinking and praying about what I am supposed to do with Eric gone and who I am, what is my purpose?  Miriam said it so well in her book Widow to Widow.  She said half of you has been torn away when you lose a spouse, you need to take the time to heal that wound and discover who you are as a new person.  Not a wounded half person, but a new whole person.  When I read that this past summer, I knew that is what I was doing and it was healthy and OK.  I did so many great things with Eric and supported him in so many of his passions all of our life together and now I had to figure out what God created me to do, what are my passions?  I have spent time taking care of myself in many areas I had neglected while caring for Eric such as my health and weight.  I have lost 30 lbs since September and feel great.  I have more energy to take care of my kids and I want to be around a long time to take care of them, Lord willing.  I have learned my spiritual gifts and my purpose by a small group study in my home called Chazown by Craig Groeschel and am so excited to live this out and "end up somewhere on purpose".  I have had numerous opportunities to testify to God's goodness in my life. 
Recently I heard another verse that summarizes well my brokenness and grief.  Isaiah 64:8 states "Yet you, LORD, are our Father.  We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."  Then I heard another reference to this last week at church in Jeremiah 18:3-4 that says "So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel.  But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him."
I was marred and broken when Eric passed away, but God took that same clay he formed me with and is creating something new as He sees best.  That is encouraging to me.  God isn't finished with me yet and His plans are always better than my plans. 
Am I always at peace and clinging to God's promises?  No, the human flesh in me cries out often and I get anxious about my future and try to take over.  I try to plan things on my own and figure out what my life may look like some day and then I start to worry.  Last week in BSF, my teaching leader, Rachel shared a truth with us.  She said "every opportunity to fear comes with an invitation to trust God."  This is so true.  Eric and I decided to trust God when we got the diagnosis of ALS.  I am deciding to trust God with my life and His plans for me, to trust God with my sister's cancer.  To trust God with my kids.  To trust God with the scary things happening in the world.  Fear Cripples us, but trusting in God sustains us and allows us to move forward with confidence.  God says he will never leave us or forsake us and that is all I need to know right now. 
On April 21, I am planning on visiting Eric's grave with his mom and the kids and any family that wants to come.  On Friday, April 22nd I would like to have my home open to friends and family to come over to celebrate Eric's life and remember him.  My dad has finished the video of the funeral and the sharing afterwards and the time at Fort Custer and I will have that playing downstairs for anyone who wants to watch it.  I would also like anyone who was not ready to share a memory of Eric or how he impacted your life to do that in private that day on video to keep for my kids and me.  I think it is extremely important for my kids to remember the person their father was and the legacy he left behind.  I will send out more information on that later, but I wanted some of you to be thinking about what you might say.  
Thank you for your love and support.  I find it no coincidence that God has brought me comfort in his Word and the timing of it and I hope you may find that to be the case for you too and are encouraged today!
Blessings,
Lori

Phillips Craig & Dean "Nothing To Prove" Video w/ Lyrics from Fearless

This song captures how Eric lived and what kind of example he was as a father to my kids. It x before pressing play good reminder of how we all should live our lives... with no excuses or regrets. Remember to mute the jukebox above before pressing play. 

A way in the desert

I have been struggling for a long time now with my sister's cancer and still wonder how it can be that in 2007, two of the people I love the most in my life were diagnosed with a life threatening disease.  I don't think I will come up with a reason why.  My sister's cancer is incurable and hospice has stepped in.  Her doctor has given her six months to live.  I can share that with you now because they have chosen to share their deepest fears on their blog and it is a gut wrenching blow to take in.  I do know that in life my faith will be tested by Satan.  The Bible says in Luke 22:31-32  "Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat.  But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers"
There are days when I feel just a glimpse of what Job went through when God allowed him to be tested by Satan.  I have to say that through all of this my faith has grown stronger, but I wonder how long God will allow these tests.  Is there a point where I can say I've passed with flying colors and I graduate?  I'm afraid as long as I have faith, it will be tested and that is the one thing I can't afford to lose.  My faith in God is what keeps me going every day.  It is the reason I live and the reason I was created.  I am doing a small group right now called "Chazown" discovering my life's purpose and one of my spiritual gifts is Faith.  I took this test over six years ago and faith was not one of my  gifts.  Our past experiences are part of what creates our purpose and develops our spiritual gifts.  My experiences have not depleted my faith but grown it abundantly and as Luke says I am to use it to "strengthen my brothers".  This is why I choose to write this entry.  I have really been struggling emotionally this week.  My sister's cancer and prognosis has been so difficult to handle because I love her so dearly and it brings a flood of emotions of what Eric and I went through and the grief of missing him comes to the surface often.  I also wish I had him here to share in my pain for my sister and her family.  To give me a comforting word or a hug I haven't had from him in so long.  My life is good, really and full with my kids and everything God is doing in my life, but I am just going through some desert times.  I am studying Isaiah in BSF right now and we have turned the corner in Isaiah 40 where the book goes from "afflicting the comfortable to comforting the afflicted" and I want to share some key verses that I read over last night again to refresh my faith and bring me comfort. 
Isaiah 40 starts out "Comfort, comfort, my people, says your God."
Isaiah 40:8 says the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.
A well known and often quoted passage is Isaiah 40:29-31: He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint. 
Chapter 41 reminds us of God as our helper, Isaiah 41:10 is one of my favorites:  So do not fear, for I am with you; do now be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strenghten you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 
Chapter 43 speaks to me deeply as it is Valentine's day today and God says "You're mine".  It says "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When (not if) you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior... Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you."
The last verses I want to share with you are Isaiah 43:18-19:  Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
I wrote next to this verse in my Bible in June of 2007 "Eric ALS" and I saw that last night as I was reading.  I thought to myself, what did I mean by this and what does this mean to me now?   I think I was encouraged back then that our God can make a way in the desert because that is where I felt like I was then and again as I read this passage I am finding myself back in the desert today.  Nevertheless, I am encouraged that God can still do a new thing, am I seeing it?  He can recreate nature to make a river in a desert just for me.  That is encouraging!  I am still praying for a miracle for my sister because I know He is able to do that and more, but I am also clinging to the God of all comfort for my strength and my hope.   These verses speak to me and I am sharing my struggles, but these are for all of God's chosen so I hope you are encouraged as well and you know the God who is able to strenghten you. 
In Him,
Lori

From Streams in The Desert on Feb 12
"I believe that a day of understanding will come for each of us, however far away it may be.  We will understand as we see the tragedies that today darken and dampen the presence of heaven for us take their proper place in God's great plan- a plan so overwhelming, magnificent, and joyful, we will laugh with wonder and delight."  Arthur Christopher Bacon

"Chance has not brought this ill to me;
It's God's own hand, so let it be
For He sees what I cannot see.
There is a purpose for each pain,
And He one day will make it plain
That earthly loss is heavenly gain.
Like a piece of tapestry
Viewed from the back appears to be
Only threads tangled hopelessly;
But in the front a picture fair
Rewards the worker for his care,
Proving his skill and patience rare.
You are the workman, I am the frame.
Lord, for the glory of Your Name,
Perfect your image on the same.
selected"

Getting through the "firsts".....

Many of you have wondered how our Christmas was.  I really love Christmas and as the season approached, I wanted to start decorating to bring some cheer into the house so our decorations were up before Thanksgiving.  Maddie gets so excited when she sees those red totes come out.  We were putting things out and I saw Eric's stocking with the rest of ours and before I knew it, Maddie had it hanging by the fireplace with the rest of ours.  I asked her if she wanted to put something in his stocking this year and we decided we would write a letter to Eric and put it in there as we missed him this year. 
Eric had made seperate videos for me, Zach, Maddie, his mom and dad, brother and sister after he was diagnosed so that he could share one last message to all of us when he was no longer here.  I watched mine six months after he went to heaven and had the kids watch theirs individually with me on Christmas Eve.  This was a time of many tears as we watched Eric early on in the progression of the disease (2007) share his love, wisdom and heart for our kids and their futures.  We even laughed a little bit, but mostly cried as we just wish so badly that he was still here.  I was reminded of how much Eric loved our kids and wanted God's best for them always.  These videos are a treasure and will be watched over and over at times we need them.  I can picture showing portions of them at the kid's weddings so that somehow Eric can be a part of that day. 
The kids are doing remarkably well and I am too.  That is only explained by God's grace and love that covers us daily. 
On Christmas morning, we all woke up after sleeping in my bed together and opened stockings, ate breakfast and read our letters to dad to eachother as I cried some more.  I want to share the kids letters:
Maddie wrote Dear Dad.  I really miss you.  I love you so much.  I wish you were here.  I know he is not here but we will still have a great Christmas. 
Zach wrote It's Christmas time already.  I know it's going to be hard because it's the first Christmas without you with us, as a full family. But I wanted to tell you how much I love you because I remember all the memories we shared and all the things I learned from you.  I watched your video today and I am going to strive towards God with every bit of me because I know it's the best thing ever.  I know our time together on earth was shorter than we expected but I also know that I am going to be in heaven soon when God calls me and I will get to spend an eternity there with you.  Merry Christmas Dad. Love always, your son Zach Fox. 
Zach is just like his dad because Eric always signed cards to me Eric J. Fox like I didn't know which Eric they were from. 
I have to say that Christmas was difficult, but also beautiful precious new memories shared with those I love.  I took the kids the day after Christmas on a short surprise trip to Cincinnati to a hotel with a pool and we just hung out together, swam, worked out together, watched movies and went to the Creation Museum in Kentucky which was amazing!  It makes sense to me to remember the traditions and good things with loved ones we have lost and to also do some new things.  It was a great decision to get away and very special for me and the kids. 
More time has gone by and a new year has begun already.  Even though we are in the middle of winter and it is looking drearier outside with the sun disappearing more each day, It feels like we are continuing to move forward and healing in the process.  I have read a few books that continue to give me hope.  One is Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo which brought so many tears of joy as I read it almost all in one night.  I couldn't help but think of Eric in a place we can't even begin to imagine in our minds and the vivid reminder that he is there holding our two unborn children while I am here with Zach and Maddie.  I also read Choosing to SEE by Marybeth Chapman which reminds me that there is always good in the bad.  Her book is so heartfelt, real and God honoring sharing their tragic loss of little Maria.  I recommend both books to anyone looking for a shot of hope in a tough world. 
My devotional Streams in the Desert on Jan 20th (the day before Eric's birthday) I read about sorrow and it expressed how I feel so well so I want to close this very long entry by sharing some of it with you. 
"Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.  Eccl 7:3 Sorrow under the power of divine grace, performs various ministries in our lives.  Sorrow reveals unknown depths of the soul, and unkown capacities for suffering and service.  If humankind were still in a glorified state having never fallen, then the strong floods of divine joy would be the force God would use to reveal our soul's capacities.  But in a fallen world, sorrow, yet with despair removed, is the power chosen to reveal us to ourselves..to think deeply and seriously.  It opens within us the capacities of the heavenly life, and it makes us willing to set our capacities afloat on a limitless sea of service for God and for others." it then closes with "Blessed is sorrow, for it reveals God's comfort.  The storm that had impoverished him made him rich.  So it is oftentimes in life." 
I am beginning to see the plan for my life unfold and feel God's comfort every step of my journey and have even experienced rich blessings in the storm. 
Thanks for hearing my heart if you stuck with me this long. 
Blessings,
Lori

Isaiah 40:10-11
See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

Merry Christmas 2010

Click on the link below after you pause the jukebox to view a Christmas greeting from our family to yours
Merry Christmas 2010

Calling back

I read the following in my devotional "Streams in the Desert" on December 19th and it has stuck with me so I wanted to share it to encourage any of you who are in the storm right now:
"Life is a steep climb, and it is always encouraging to have those ahead of us "call back" and cheerfully summon us to higher ground.  We all climb together, so we should help one another.  The mountain climbing of life is serious, but glorious business; it takes strength and steadiness to reach the summit.  And as our view becomes better as we gain altitude, and as we discover things of importance, we should "call back" our encouragement to others. 

If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back-
It will cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track;
And if, perhaps, Faith's light is dim, because the oil is low,
Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.
Call back, and tell me that He went with you into the storm;
Call back, and say He kept you when the forest's roots were torn;
That, when the heavens thunder and the earthquake shook the hill,
He bore you up and held you where the lofty air was still,
O friend, call back and tell me for I cannot see your face;
They say it glows with triumph, and your feet spring in the race;
But there are mists between us and my spirit eyes are dim,
And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.
But if you say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry,
And if you'll say He saw you through the night's sin-darkened sky-
If you have gone a little way ahead, O friend, call back-
It will cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track.
                                                                                           -selected"

I want to call back to those of you in the storm who can not see God's glory to tell you He is with you.  He is Immanuel - God with us.  He is the One who will guide you through the storm.  He will will walk beside you along life's path if you ask Him to be your guide.  He will bring you peace from the depths when you felt like there was none.  He has given me so much, when I had nothing in me.  My hope comes from God, my refuge and strength, my ever present help, the perfector of my faith.  May you cling to the Rock, our Savior this Christmas.
Blessings,
Lori

Psalm 62:5-6

 Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.
 Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Tis the season....

This post is long overdue, but I either have not had the time or not had the words to write.  Most of my posts are bouncing around in my head for a while and the ones that stay end up going on the blog.  Sometimes I just can't sleep again lately.  Definitely part of the holiday season coming upon... a bittersweet mixture of emotions is creeping up on me. 
Many of you have asked me how I was at Thanksgiving with Eric not here and I was actually very good and the kids were too.  I didn't expect to be sad at Thanksgiving this year.  I was looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with family and friends and enjoying a wonderful meal.  Yes, I ate pumpkin and apple pie with all the other delicious food and it was worth every calorie, fat gram and carb.  Last Thanksgiving was when things started getting really difficult with Eric's progression of ALS and Thanksgiving was brief and quiet so this year I wanted to be sure to spend the entire day with family and a traditional Thanksgiving feast.  We spent the day at my Mom and Dad's and my side of the family and we just enjoyed hanging out together.  We even watched Elf again and I laughed through it for the 100th time.  Our friends, the Barr's invited us to enjoy a second Thanksgiving dinner with them on Friday before me and Sherri headed out to Chicago on an overnight trip we planned so that I could meet the author I talked about in a previous post, Miriam Neff. 
She is the author of Widow to Widow and the founder of http://www.widowconnection.com/ and she has been a God send to me in her book and her encouragement at just the right time.  Yes, God uses people we haven't even met to be the body of Christ in our times of need.  Well, our trip to Chicago was very fun despite a very odd experience on the train downtown which I won't go into.  Let's just say I hope it isn't on YouTube someday.  On Saturday, we had fun shopping at IKEA and then off to Maggiano's for lunch and finally meeting my new dear friend, Miriam.  She lost her husband to ALS as well 4 years to the day prior to me. 
We met for coffee and I felt like I was talking to a friend I had known for a long time and someone who really understood me and where I was.  We talked some about our similar experiences and our similar athletic husbands.  Miriam's four kids are all grown and she spends a lot of time with her grandchildren who are around Zach's age.  She had just come from an all day wrestling tournament her grandson had just took first place in and was proud to show me pictures.  She is a woman who listens to God's voice and has clear direction in her life and has a desire to help other widows discover who they are after losing a husband. 
I asked for advice in a few areas and she shared some profound knowledge that I took to heart. 
I will share it with you because this blog is essentially about my grief process and I want it to help others understand my grief and also help others who may be going through a similar experience.  I mostly struggle when it comes to my future and what that is supposed to look like for me and my kids.  I am one who likes to have things figured out and be in control.  I have done a few things since Eric passed away that I shared with Miriam that seemed kind of desperate, not crazy and none have had bad consequences, but things I have recognized as coming from my own need to figure things out.  She reminded me that I am a vulnerable person and I need to protect that part of me.  She even said if I decide I am about to do something like that again, then to call her and it would take her 4 hours to get to me, but she would do it.  She does drive a Hummer, you know!  We all need people in our lives like that. Now don't go trying to figure out... what did Lori do?  It is not a big deal, most of these things are just thoughts in my own head.  The point is we need to listen to the voice of Truth, Jesus Christ.  Sometimes  God uses his word which He has been doing in a mighty way in my life recently, sometimes it's other people He puts in your path.  I don't believe in coincidences, they are there for a reason.  Sometimes it is your circumstances and many other ways God chooses to reveal Himself, but oh is God always there wanting us to give Him more of ourselves!  Don't miss it!  I am clinging to the One who knows me best and knows what is best for me. 
Anyways, back to Miriam's advice.  She explained as she does very well in her book that when you spend your life with someone so long and become one in a marriage, when that person dies, you are torn in two... a wounded person.  She explained that until you are healed from those wounds and begin to discover who you are as a new whole person, it is difficult to move forward.  I remember reading that this past summer and believe I have been figuring out what it is that I (Lori)  like to do or want to do with my life.  It is a strange concept when you have been "Eric and Lori" for so long.  I have been flooded with ideas in my mind and have put many into place and many are still bouncing around up there.  I do know I want to be aligned with God's plan for my life.  When we were talking about some of those things, Miriam reminded me that her kids were grown when Bob, her husband went to heaven.  My kids are still young and my main job is to be their mom.  I believe this fully and this is a noble calling for me as my kids mean so much to me.  My main focus is to be there for them, but to hear her say that was freeing!  I just have to be their mom and some days, that is about all I have energy or time to do.  I don't have to have the rest of my life figured out.  It is in God's hands and I can trust Him! 
So this post is long and yes it is again the middle of the night.  I think of Eric all the time.  Eric's mom and I watched the video we played at the funeral together a little over a week ago and we just miss Eric.  We sobbed together and Maddie and my niece Emma cried with us.  It is bittersweet to remember our life together as the joy of the memories floods my mind along with the sorrow it brings, but I always want to remember Eric and talk about him.  Please know that I am not uncomfortable talking about Eric and I want you to talk about him.  I actually really appreciate it when people tell me stories about him or just that they were thinking about him. 
The kids and I have been blessed and really are enjoying life.  We are blessed with a wonderful family, supportive friends and a loving church body and God has supplied all of our needs abundantly.  As we head into Christmas season, we are very sad to not spend it with Eric here, but it is so comforting to know that Eric is spending it with the One who we celebrate.  Maddie asked me how I think they celebrate Christmas in heaven and I can't even imagine the celebration that must take place.  Imagine the Hallelujah chorus sung in Heaven by heavenly hosts of angels.  Maddie wanted to know if there would be a cake?  Speaking of cake, my darling Maddie, who is more and more like her Dad every day turns 8 this Friday so we will celebrate her birth this Friday as well as my favorite sister, Kristi's. 
We may take a road trip after Christmas to do something new this year.  Right now, I am living one week at a time and savoring the moments that bring me joy along the way.  I will end this with a verse that speaks to my heart from Isaiah:
Isaiah 30:20-21
 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”
I remember hearing this verse about six or seven years ago from a friend at Family Camp and thinking wow, that verse really spoke to her as she had it memorized and even turned to the right and left as she quoted the verse.  This year, this is my verse to memorize and cling to.  How awesome is it that my teachers are hidden no more and God's voice behind me will say "This is the way, walk in it!"  This is what I have been searching for and all I really need to know right now! 
May God richly bless you this Christmas with the joy of knowing Him! 
Lori

Here are some pictures from my trip to Chicago

Speaking at Grand Haven Christian School Chapel today

Many of you know I have been anxious about speaking at a Chapel Service at Grand Haven Christian School this week and many of you have been praying.  I really felt all of your prayers because my nerves were calm when I arrived at the school today at 7:45a.m.  I have been preparing some videos to share with them to help tell my story of how God amazed me.  The school's theme this year is Be Amazed by God and their theme verse is Psalm 9:1-2 which I plan to memorize:
I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;

I will tell of all your wonders.
I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.

I was blessed to be able to share with these kids today ages K-8th and I pray that my talk will help them remember who their Strength and Refuge is in the tough times. 

John 16:33says "I have told you these things, so that you may have peace.  In this world you WILL have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  It doesn't say could have trouble, may have trouble, it says will. In Luke, it says Satan wants to sift us like wheat.  Isn't it reassuring to know that nothing comes into our life without going through the filter of God's hand?  We serve a God who allows suffering but is with us through that suffering.  I will chose to love Him and trust Him with my whole life no matter what.  That is what this video is about.  It is a short recap of my life since Eric was diagnosed with ALS until the day of his funeral.  (Don't forget to mute the jukebox at the top before you view videos)
No Matter What video

I also wanted to share how God has been amazing me by speaking to me through his creation and music so I created this next video with pictures I have taken mostly of the sky since Eric passed away. He lights up the sky to show me that He is with me. 
Light up the sky video

The last video is a clip my Dad edited from the burial at Fort Custer when God really spoke to me.  I wrote more about this in a previous blog entry on both of our blogs because it really gave me an unspeakable peace. 
In Christ Alone video

Part of me is relieved that I have made it through today and I didn't die doing it.  (that is the advice my BSF leader gave me as a goal to get through it) and part of me wonders what God has in store for me next.  For now, I plan to take it easy this weekend with my kids. 
Have a great week! 
Lori

Six months ago today, we lost a great man who went to be with the Lord

Today, it will have been six months since Eric passed away.  I have been thinking about this a lot this week.  Part of me feels like I can't believe it's been that long already and part of me feels like it's been forever since I gave Eric a hug and told him I love him.  I couldn't sleep last night so I got up and prayed for a while and went back to bed.  I woke up this morning at 7:45 to the neighbor girl who rides the bus with us knocking and then walking in the house saying "hellooooo?"  I lept out of bed with my heart beating and ran downstairs to get the kids up and found that Zach was gone.  Yep, off to school... got up, showered, breakfast and off to the bus stop without even a hug from mom.  That boy never ceases to amaze me.  Last time I did this, I think Zach was in 4th grade.  I woke up after the bus came and went to get Zach up and he was gone.  I scrambled to get dressed and make his lunch and ran to school.  I found him in the hallway and he says "Hey mom" like any other day.  I gave him his lunch and he said I already made one.  I told him to wake me next time to at least say good bye.  He obviously forgot that conversation years ago this morning.  I just asked him why he didn't wake me and he said "you need your sleep".  Who's kid is this anyway?  Oh yes, his promptness and morning capabilites come from Eric.  Maddie reflects Eric every day too.  I am surrounded by reminders and pieces of Eric everyday in my home.  I don't mind it, I actually love being reminded of Eric and remembering who he was and what legacy he has left for us. 
This morning on my way to workout, the sun shone so brightly and was hitting the autumn leaves so beautfully in rays through the clouds.  I was thinking of how often God reminds me of his glory and constant presence by things like this.  Then the song Light up the sky came on the radio by the Afters.  God is so good!! Some of the lyrics are:
You light, light, light up the sky

You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
And I, I, I can't deny
No I can't deny that you and right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see you all around me
You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
Here's a video of the song too (don't forget to mute the jukebox at the top)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6X_E2t7r1pY&feature=related

I'm heading up to camp this weekend with Zach's youth group and Grandma Fox is staying with Maddie.  I am looking forward to spending time with our youth group and fooling my body into thinking it is younger than it is.  I am already planning my nap for Sunday afternoon when we get back. 
Be blessed this week!

Lori

Thinking back about how God amazed me......

I have been thinking back about how God has amazed me over the past few weeks in preparation to speaking at a school in a couple weeks and I read over my last two posts from our old blog because I know how much God amazed me so quickly after Eric's death by revealing things to me in such a real way.  I cried as I read these posts, remembering how difficult these days were and at the same time how much peace God gave me in the midst of it.  I decided to post these on my new blog in two seperate posts to share the true beginning of my grieving process and how quickly God came to my rescue.  Many of you have already read these and let me warn you, even after cutting them down a bit, they are long but worth resharing.  God is good all the time! 

written May 4, 2010

As promised, I have more to share. I have been processing so much of the last few weeks in my mind and God has allowed me to see things very clearly that he put in place that I didn't see at the time.


Going back a little over three weeks now, I was feeling very overwhelmed with caring for Eric, mostly because he was always so uncomfortable and everything I did was such temporary relief so it was constantly necessary to be doing something for him or so it felt. He was also afraid for me to leave at all. I hadn't been out of the house for two weeks prior to then even when our visiting angels caregivers were there. On Saturday night, April 10th I was laying in bed thinking how can I keep taking care of Eric like this? I believe God reminded me that in January when we began with Hospice, they told me that we could go to Trillium Woods in Byron Center for respite care 5 days each month or to help manage anything out of my ability to do so at home. This center is so beautiful, we had been there 1 1/2 years ago when Eric was awarded the Eric Fox ALS fund that he secured by speaking to High School students at Hudsonville about ALS. I decided that I would ask Eric about it the next day. Eric was reluctant about going to Hospice to stay so I decided that I would go with him since Eric's mom was staying at the house that week and could get the kids to school for me. This way I could go and be his wife while someone else did the caregiving. We arrived about 5pm on Wed. April 14th and the first night I realized how much I had been doing on my own as most of the nurses there were shocked that I was still taking care of Eric by myself. I honestly feel that God gave me the strength to do it as long as I did and I never felt like having a pity party for myself. I loved Eric with everything in me and wanted to honor his wish to stay at home and I felt it a priviledge to care for him the way that only I knew how to, but I was looking for some professional help and a break.

It was very difficult to turn over with new nurses every 8 hours and explain everything to them because Eric's communication was nearly nonexistant at that point, even I struggled to understand him at times. He had also become fully dependant on wearing his BiPap 24 hours a day due to shortness of breath. After a couple of days staying with Eric, he was more comfortable, his meds were well managed and he was sleeping in the hospital bed even through the night. His feet that had been swollen so bad with extreme Edema were back to normal and he was even smiling some. The joyful moments were much fewer and farther in between these last few months because the disease had taken so much from him. Hospice told me that they had admitted Eric for medical necessity and that he still had the respite time and the VA would cover him indefinitely to stay there. I struggled with this, only because Eric wanted to be home. I was able to sleep at home after the first few nights and the nurses were learning Eric's care better and I was really enjoying spending time with my kids and a few friends. I was becoming unable to lift Eric for transfers, showers, etc. I had Eric's parents support, my Pastor, the hospice social worker and many friends and families support to keep Eric at Hospice for longer than the original 5 days I had planned.

I talked to Eric on that Saturday night and shared everything I was feeling with him, how much I loved him, how much I was concerned about his care, how much I enjoyed being there for the kids in ways I haven't been able to in so long. I also told him that I wanted him to finish strong. He has left such a testimony to so many in his life since he accepted Christ and the way he has taken ALS and made it a platform to testify to the glory of God even in the trials. It was really hard for him to communicate, but he said he would stay for me. I spent most of my days at Hospice and nights at home with the kids while friends stayed with Eric.

On Tuesday, our Pastor had visited Eric while I took Maddie to the doctor for a breakout she got that morning on her skin. The Pastor later shared with me on Thursday what he had talked about with Eric about staying there, finding peace with the fears of the disease, knowing he had to consider himself, me and the kids in what we chose to do, thinking about heaven and eternity and he spent time praying with him that day. About a week later, I found out my Bible Study leader also stopped by Tuesday to give me a hug and peeked in the room while the Pastor was there. She did not interupt as she didn't see me and saw that someone was praying with Eric. She stopped back later and said she saw "two men meeting with God" so she left. I was back later that day and Eric was very tired and quiet and I went home that evening to take Zach on our date while our friend and caregiver were with Eric that night. My last words to Eric were "I Love You" as were his to me.

The following morning, Wednesday April 21st, I was held up by a few minor things like a phone call with a scheduling problem, I stopped somewhere for a few minutes on the way in, I forgot my pass in my car in the parking lot which I always had clipped to my clothes every other morning, I stopped right outside Eric's door to talk to the nurse about how his night was which she replied "really good" and then I went in to his room. When I went over to him, I froze as I touched his hand and looked at him. I yelled for the nurse who came in and checked his pulse and said "I'm afraid he is gone". "No! he can't be gone, I wasn't here with him!"

I was nearly hyperventilating, I was in shock and so inconsolible. The doctor came in and told me he just checked on Eric less than 20 minutes prior which I know because I saw him going into the building when I went to my car to get my pass. Our favorite nurse was there that day and they both sat and prayed with me and called my friend Sherri to be with me. The Chaplain came in and also talked with me about my shock, guilt and grief. I am sharing this with you because I thought at that moment, I would never be able to live with myself for not being there and him not being at home. I thought I could never overcome my sadness of losing Eric. I spent the rest of that day preparing to tell my kids and all of our family.

The very next day, God lifted me up and gave me grace and peace that I can't even begin to explain to you, peace that can only come from God. I was able to look back at everything and begin to understand how God orchestrated it. Eric's body had begun to shut down, his sleeping more, his lack of appetite, respiratory changes, his lack of communication, and not wanting visitors. I really thought we had more time, but I wasn't seeing the signs. ALS had taken his physical life from him. He just stopped breathing and went without a struggle in a matter of less than 20 minutes into the arms of Jesus! I truly believe Eric felt it was alright to let go of this world, secure in his eternal destination, peaceful knowing that me and the kids would be taken care of. He slipped from this world and was instantly in his new whole body in the presence of the Lord. I can't tell you what joy that brings to my heart. Me and the kids miss Eric more than you can imagine and the sad times are still so fresh in our hearts, but we all know that we will see him again and our life on this earth is but a breath compared to eternity. I feel like God protected me by not having Eric die at the house or with me there where I would have still been helpless to save him and been alone. These are things that have been so clearly revealed to me and while I know I can't know exactly what God had planned or why things happened the way they did, I do know that I have peace that passes all understanding that I never thought I would find that day Eric passed away. Eric loved people and he loved life and he was a fighter who beat the odds of ALS living 5 1/2 years with the disease.

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed." says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10 I pulled a notecard out of my desk with this on it a few days after Eric died from a Bible study I did over 4 years ago. I pray that those of you who are grieving the loss of such a wonderful man can feel the same peace God has given to me in this very difficult time.

I will share later about Eric's funeral and burial more ways God revealed himself to me.

To live is Christ, to die is gain. Phil 1:21

Lori

My last post from Eric's and my blog on our journey with ALS

written Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The last post

This is our 200th post so I thought it would be fitting for it to be the last post to this blog which is a story of our journey with ALS. I will keep the blog open indefinitely as long as blogspot stays around. I want to share our story with as many people as I can that come across it. I have heard numerous stories of people who have stumbled on or blog because they were researching ALS or just wondering what ever happened to Eric or Lori Fox. Many have shared with me that their passion for Christ has been renewed or that they are praying for us and they don't even know us. That makes sharing on this blog all worth while. I don't believe those people come across our blog by coincidence. God uses his Word, circumstances and people to speak to us and this gives us the opportunity to share how good our God is and give him praise, honor and glory.

It will be 5 weeks tomorrow since Eric passed away. His funeral was a month ago. As I think back to that day it seems like a lot of time has passed and also like it was yesterday. God was so near to me that day and in the days prior preparing for the funeral. There were so many times God just showed up and took care of me.

I shed many tears during the service as I held my children close. Eric was such an amazing man, husband, father and friend. But most of all, he really loved God and it was so evident in everything he did. He left a legacy for me and my kids that will never be forgotten.

The day before the funeral, we were trying to arrange transportation for the family to Fort Custer for the burial and I remembered that a friend's father-in-law owned a charter bus. I called her and he had it available which she said never happens. After the funeral, 47 of our family and friends were able to ride together and relax on the drive there. I remember thinking Eric would have just loved this knowing we were all together.

The cemetery was lined with American flags all the way up the driveway. We stepped out and Zach presented Eric's mom, Joan with a flag which was also Eric's wish. I have never witnessed an actual burial as you usually leave and then they cover the casket with dirt. We watched from the road as the hearse drove back to the plot which was dug out. The weather all weekend during the visitations had been rainy, but Monday morning of Eric's funeral the sun shone brightly and it was a beautiful day. As they lowered Eric's body into the ground and pushed the dirt back over the grave, the sun disappeared behind the clouds. Immediately, the song "In Christ Alone" came to my mind. The verse that says "There in the ground, his body lay, Light of the world by darkness slain." When the burial was finished, I thanked everyone for being there and shared the words of that song with them. When I got to the next verse "Then bursting forth, in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again!" The sun shone so brightly in the sky, I couldn't help but look up and cry. I am not comparing Eric's death to Christ's, but I know that God was reminding all of us that when Christ died for us on the cross, the world turned dark because of sin. He took on that sin for us so that we may have eternal life in Him. The next verse says: "And as He stands in victory, sin's curse has lost it's grip on me. For I am his and He is mine, bought with the PRECIOUS blood of CHRIST!" I have always loved that song, but now it will take on a whole new meaning for me. I felt like God was looking down on me and all of us that were so sad that Eric is gone and saying "I see you, I am always here with you and Eric is not in that grave, he is right here with me because of my Son and my love for all of you and you will see him again."

I actually smiled on the bus on the way home as I reflected on the day. I thought Eric would have been so honored by the whole day and how God was glorified even in Eric's death.

I think of Eric all of the time and am reminded of him everywhere I go by pictures, places, songs and my children. I have started a new chapter in my life. Right now I am focused on being here for my kids and spending time listening to God's voice and his plan for my life. He has showed me so many things that I could be doing with my time to glorify Him and I am now praying for God's best for my life. I can easily get busy doing lots of new things, but I want God's best! Please continue to pray for me and the kids as I know so many of you are. We are covered by God's love and grace and are really doing alright. People who don't know the Lord have a hard time understanding that. People who know God's faithfulness know that is the work of the Holy Spirit. If you have followed the blog from the beginning or just came across it today, I pray that you would come to have a true relationship with Christ and accept his free gift of salvation by confessing that you are a sinner and believing that Christ died for you (if you haven't already done that some time in your life). Do it today, don't put it off a minute longer. None of us knows what the tomorrow holds. Don't waste your life. Thank you for being a part of our journey. I know God will use me to comfort others who are suffering just as he comforted me.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Thanks for hanging in there as this post is really long, but I have not been known to write short posts.

With love and a grateful heart,

Lori

I have had some time recently to reflect on God's goodness in my life.  On Friday morning I met with someone to discuss an opportunity to be a part of a women's ministry to work among many godly women that I have a huge amount of respect for and learn from them.   I know this is something God is going to use in my life to prepare me for something He has in store for me.  As I shared my testimony with her, I was reminded how God has walked me through so many things since I was saved at age 11.   
After the meeting, I was headed to Grand Rapids to see my niece on her birthday and noticed what a beautiful day it was as I headed downtown.  I decided that I would stop off downtown afterwards to walk around and see more of ArtPrize.  My first thought was maybe I should call someone to meet me down there and then I thought, No I think God is wanting me to spend some time with him alone today.  I was so glad I listened to that prompting.  I parked downtown, got out and walked for 3 1/2 hours enjoying and admiring the art, God's creation and the beautiful weather, watching people and I couldn't keep from smiling as I thought, what a good day.  How great is our God!  We are often too busy to take time like this to hear what God wants to tell you or see what He wants to show you or when we do, we fill it with all kinds of other things like other people or multi-tasking.  Don't get me wrong, I love being with people.  My family and friends are so important to me, but sometimes we don't have any time to ourselves to be quiet.  It felt really good.  I have a new appreciation for our city and wonder why I don't go there more often (besides the fact that it takes me 10 minutes to get out of it every time with all the one way streets and ongoing construction :).  I took lots of pictures of the art and then took these few shots of churches as I passed them.  It was cool how the sun shone behind each of them as I passed by to draw my attention to them.  I also love the view I had at the Grand Rapids Art Museum with the reflection of the city and the beginning of the changing colors of the season in the pool outside the window.

I discovered this new look on life last summer when I took a week in Grand Haven by myself with no kids in a small home I rented downtown. I had time to read, pray, walk the pier, shop downtown, go to the beach and just enjoy life and all that God has given me. I have lived in West Michigan most of my life and never learned to appreciate in this way the unique cities surrounding me, the beauty of Lake Michigan or all the other wonderful things that are within my reach if I just take some time to explore. Please remind me of this when I complain about the winter months.  There is always something God wants to show us about his creation.  Now I know some of you will be saying it is impossible to take that time for myself like you have and I do understand what it is like to have minimal free time and just trying to keep your head above water.  There are seasons in our lives when it is harder to take the time God wants to spend with us and hear from Him. 

I was working on my daughter's weekly bible study book she gets each Sunday at church late Saturday night as usual so she could earn her coin today at church for a prize and it said on the last page to take 5 minutes to pray and talk to God and tell him how we feel about him.  I asked her if she thought she could take 5 minutes of her day and pray to God or just sit quiet and she threw herself down and started to cry and thought it was way too much to ask of her.  I was shocked and tried to talk to her about how God wants us to talk to Him and spend time with Him each day.  She said, "well you don't" so I started to tell her things I did to spend time with him and then thought, I don't need to justify my time with her, but with God.  I need to be an example to my kids so that they see me taking quiet moments to pray or read my Bible too so it doen't seem like a chore to them.  I was so saddened by my daughter's response and I thought how much more it grieved God and how often I grieve God when I am too busy to take at least 5 minutes of my day to spend alone with Him.  I know this post doesn't have a lot to do with grieving, but my walk with Christ is such a huge part of my life and my future and I felt led to share it with anyone who chooses to read this.  My hope is that you are challenged like me and become more deliberate to find those quiet moments with God on a regular basis. 

Please keep me in your prayers as I have been asked to speak at Grand Haven Christian school's  Chapel this month.  I am asking God what He wants me to share on the topic of how God amazes me.  This will be hard to narrow down into 15 minutes so I want Him to speak through me to these students. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28


a few random thoughts

I have been processing a few things in my head lately and I thought I would share them with you to help you understand a part of grief our family is going through somewhat if that is possible. 
Times of grief and sadness are elevated in our house when other sad, disappointing or overwhelming things happen.  Here's some examples.  Shortly after Eric passed away, I was trying to figure out a lot of things with the finances, getting caught up on bills and reconciling bank statements, figuring out life insurance, debt and I also had to set up a brand new bank account and tranfer everything because our checking account had been frozen the day after Eric passed away (apparantly banks check obitiuaries daily and freeze accounts if a client passes away).  I was getting very overwhelmed with all of it and on the same day I got a very high cell phone bill and the gas bill was in a catch up month for the annual budget shortage which was astronomical due to keeping the house much warmer in the winter months for Eric.  I think I cried for days, not because I couldn't take care of everything, but because I was so sad.  This was something I would have talked to Eric about or more likely complained about, but he would have listened and I would have felt better.
A few months ago at Family Camp, I had been talking to a few people about Lasik surgery to correct vision and they had said it was the best thing they did for their eyes.  I had thought about it before many times because my vision is very bad and has been since the third grade.  My prescription is a -9.0 which you will understand if you wear glasses or contacts.  If you don't, without correction, I would see the world as one big fuzzy color even close up.  I decided that would be something I would check into when I got home.  I made the appointment for an evaluation that would take two hours.  I wore my glasses for a week (which I hated) just like they requested and began my exam.  After 15 minutes, the woman brought me into a room and said the doctor would be in to go over some of the tests.  He walked in with a somber look on his face and said I have bad news.  I just knew what he would say next.  He said my prescription is too strong, my cornea too thin and I have some big name issue with the shape of it so it was a "no go".  I walked out into the lobby and headed straight for my car so I could cry.  I sat there for a bit and thought, what is wrong with me!  It's not like he said you have a terminal illness or anything like that.  I walked out of there the same way I walked in so what is the big deal.  It just felt like a loss to me.  I heard the song You make me Happy on the radio on the way home and thought, that's right, God makes me happy.  He makes beauty of my mess! 
Movies of loss, even the movie Up makes me cry and remind me of my loss with Eric.  I believe this is all part of the grief process to help me get through this.  I don't have a fancy name for it or a step that I am on, I just recognize it as part of grief. 
Maddie has expressed some of the same things recently and I so understand her little mind and heart. 
We found a yellow lab a couple weeks ago in our neighborhood and he was adopted into our garage.  He was fed, bathed, walked, brushed for a few days while we looked for his owners.  The owners did call after three days because they saw a sweet little sign that Maddie made on the corner.  When Maddie got home from school that day, I told her the owners had called and how exciting it was that they could get their dog back and she burst into tears and then said "this is just like Daddy".  My first thought was, this is nothing like Daddy, but I didn't say that. I just acknowledged that I knew it was sad for her to feel like she was losing the dog she had made friends with and that she was going to be OK and she was that same day.  It's hard to go through grief, but I feel like our family is healing through it.  There will always be a place in our hearts for Eric that feels the loss of him not being here anymore as well as the anticipation of when we will see him again in heaven.  Until then, we keep doing life and share our love and knowledge of Jesus with others. 
I am hoping to be able to make a trip to Chicago this fall to meet the author I told you about, Miriam Neff, who has been such a blessing to me by her book if I can manage it with Soccer and Basketball games going right now.  Often, I sit and wonder what God wants me to do with my life or how He could use me and then I sit again comfortably and contently right where I am at.
There are a lot of things I want to work on right now.  One is staying in his Word.  I am enjoying the time in my two devotionals in the morning and studying Isaiah at BSF with almost 500 other women.  I am starting a small group to study the Book Crazy Love by Francis Chan which is a good challenge to me.  Zach is starting a new youth program at our church that I am very excited about and getting involved in helping with.  I am trying to take care of myself too.  I have come to realize that I am at the low border of obese(not overweight which I knew), but obese according to my BMI.  That was just shocking to me.  I have joined a fitness club and started weight watchers and have learned more in this first few weeks than I have in my entire life about our bodies and how to stay healthy.  We are so misled when it comes to food, diet and excercise.  I am very motivated and have lost 5.8 lbs in my first two weeks.  I have a ways to go, but I am excited to get to my goal and what my kids are learning about choices as well.  You would be shocked if you knew what goes into most food you buy or eat out.  It's very simple, eat better and excercise more.  Only diet that can work in my mind because it is a lifestyle change.  This has given me something to focus on among many other good things and I am not doing this because I am now single, I am doing this to be healthier, to live longer, have more energy for my kids and to feel like I can do this for myself.  Please give me encouragement when you see me struggling with any of these things.  This post is a lot of stuff all over the place, but I just thought I would share my heart.  I know my last post was pretty brief.  There are days when I just don't know how to express my feelings or I am just too tired to think.  Tonight is becoming one of those nights so I better be off to sleep.
God Bless,
Lori

Remembering it is the Lord who determines my steps, confessions of an excessive planner

The devotional from Jesus Calling on Sept 17 hit me between the eyes hard.  It says:
"You will not find my peace by engaging in excessive planning:  attempting to control what will happen to you in the future.  That is a commonly practiced form of unbelief.  When your mind spins with multiple plans, Peace may sometimes seem to be within your grasp; yet it always eludes you.  Just when you think you have prepared for all possibilities, something unexpected pops up and throws things into confusion. 
I did not design the human mind to figure out the future.  That is beyond your capability.  I crafted your mind for continual communication with Me.  Bring Me all your needs, your hopes and fears.  Commit everything into My care.  Turn from the path of planning to the path of Peace."
Proverbs 16:9 says In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. 
Well, those of you who know me, know that I like to have a plan and like to be in control of things.  I'm good at it, I'm pretty organized, I like to look into things, research the best options, know what my day looks like, keep a schedule.  I like a good plan because it helps me to feel like I have some control of things.  There is definitely some good in this, but I have taken this part of me and find myself using it to try to plan how my future will go and even trying to plan my grief process.  I forget to give God my needs, hopes and fears.  He is the one who has my future in his hands!  I read this devotion and realized how much I try to do things on my own and realized I may be missing his true Peace when I don't let Him direct my steps. 
As a new season begins and school and routines are back in full swing, I am praying that God will direct my steps as I am making new commitments and taking care of the kids needs as well as my own.

surviving the date just to realize it was the meaning of that date I was trying to escape

(don't forget to pause the jukebox on the top left to hear the words to this song above, then click play)
I heard this song on the radio tonight and have heard it before but not really listened to the words. I really love the message. "Before a heartache can touch my life, it has to go through your hands." God knows everything we are going through. He doesn't cause bad things to happen to us, but He knows when we are hurting and allows us to suffer. Nothing surprises God. He never leaves our side through it though. She sings "No matter what, I 'm gonna love you, no matter what I'm gonna need you.... I'll trust you no matter what!" that is paraphrased, but it is what I have to do. I'm putting my life in God's hands, I am trusting God to be my hope and my strength.
Some of you may know that yesterday, August 26th would have been Eric and my 15th Anniversary. I have been aware of this date coming up all month. My plan of attack was to keep myself busy the whole day so that I would not have to think about it and be sad or lonely. While I was eating breakfast, I started to tear up so I kept moving and got the kids set and headed to my brothers to do some accounting work for them. I got home in time to get ready to take the kids to starlight ministries which just started up again. This is a kids grief program that is in Jenison and is run by some amazing people. If you need info on this, I have the link to the right and their web page is http://www.starlightmin.org/. I picked up my friend and her kids and we planned to drop them off and go to dinner with another friend who is also a widow from ALS to stay distracted. I came home and decided to watch a movie with the kids so we picked one on TV that was PG and to my dismay, the father had cancer and dies in the movie. Horrible choice there. Me and the kids were in tears thinking of Eric and our loss. I tucked the kids into bed after we talked and prayed and got to my bedroom at 12:05 am and just started to think about Eric. I realized that no matter what I did that day, it wouldn't have mattered. I made it through most of the day without thinking about it, but it wasn't the date that was the struggle. It was what the date represented. I was thinking about dates this morning and thought about how we celebrate Christmas on December 25th every year, but we don't know exactly when Christ was born. We just choose that day so we could celebrate the birth of our Savior. We also celebrate Easter on a certain Sunday in April, mothers day and fathers day too never falls on the same day, even birthdays are different if you are a leap year baby.  Our anniversary honored a day that I made a commitment to the man I loved to stay with him in sickness and in health, til death do us part.  I wondered what we would have done to celebrate it if he were still here, if he never had ALS and I just started missing him all over again.  I thought about the kids and how no one could ever have their best interests in their heart as much as he did.  I just wanted him to be back here with us and not have ALS.  I know that only God can fill the void me and the kids are feeling right now so that is my prayer again.  Doing better today, but very tired. 

allowing myself to grieve

I am reading a few books right now, but the one I am most enjoying is called "Widow to Widow: Conversations on the new you" by Miriam Neff.  A few weeks after Eric passed away, My friend Sherri called me to tell me there was a woman on Moody Radio speaking about being a widow so I tuned in on line and then listened to her whole interview in the archives a few days later.  Everything she said made sense to me and was helpful in encouraging me in this new place I was in.  A few weeks ago, I remembered she said she wrote a book so I looked her up again and found her book and website http://www.widowconnection.com/ and I ordered it online.  When I got the book, I read the first page that said she became a widow on April 21, 2006.  My heart sank as I thought, she lost her husband EXACTLY 4 years before me.  Wow, strange cooincidence.  A few days later, my sister picked up the book and read the back and said "her husband had ALS too?" I picked up the book and read it and thought, she never said that on the interview.  Wow, again!  This is no coincidence, I am supposed to read this book so I started reading it that night.  That was the night I got no sleep and started this blog.  The first chapter I read dealt with grief and our emotions.  I have done a good job keeping busy this summer with the kids which I don't regret, but part of this is so I don't have to deal with my emotions all day.  I read the following through tears and started to wail:
"Our emotions are intense.  Why?  Two became one and now half of us is ripped away.  Every aspect of our life changes, like it or not, ready or not."
"Admitting what we feel is the beginning of moving forward and being able to make changes in our new life."
She talked about anticipatory grief you have when someone you love has an illness with no cure which I may elaborate on another post some time because I have definitely experienced this and it is different than the grief you experience when a loved one dies suddenly.
"The widows, loss to death is absolutely final. I am not saying our grief ids greater than others, simply different."
This one really got me.  "Does anyone know all that you are grieving now:  Yes, people realize you lost your husband.  But do they know you are suffering from the loss of future dreams?  Do you know the plans you had that will never materialize?  Do they know that 75% departure of your friendship network hurts too? ... you think of the advice your husband will never offer your children as they go through lifes big passages like marriage, career choices, grandchildren.  Please allow yourself to grieve in whatever way and for any amount of time that this emotion floats through your soul."
"Give yourself permission to forget the task at hand.  Grieving takes time and work.  If we don't allow ourselves to stop and recall, stop and weep, stop and drink in a memory, we miss a valuable moment of healing and moving forward." 
I finally allowed myself to acknowledge what I already knew and it hurt.  I expressed my grief freely in my room that night and even though it hurt me something fierce, it was something I needed to do and it allowed me to face my grief and start to accept my loss and the changes it would mean in my life. 
I have almost finished the book and feel like this woman is my "godly widow" who understands me and is giving me sound advice that I can relate to.  I can not wait to tell her what she has done for my soul by writing this book and I may just take a road trip to Chicago to do it in person some day.  Every chapter I read, I find more help in this journey.  Many things I am already doing, and the confirmation that it is "OK" is so encouraging to me.  I know the parts I have shared in part of her first chapter are tough, but I will share more ways God used her to speak to me in an encouraging way soon.  She has started a widow ministry and her website is http://www.widowconnection.com/ and it is linked at the top right of my blog as well. 
We are leaving for Family Camp tomorrow for a whole week. No TV, just fellowship with other beliefvers, nature and the lake and a cabin with bunks and a bathroom somewhere down the road.... oh boy! I am looking forward to reflecting again on God and life and spending time with my kids which I predict will mostly be when they come back to the cabin to go to sleep. There are lots of fun activities and other families with kids they will spend time with. I hope to use my quiet time to seek out some adventures and also to be still and know He is God. 
Be blessed this week.  Summer is coming to an end... Enjoy God's beauty with those you love!