Choosing to trust

Yesterday marked 11 months since Eric went to heaven.  I am always very aware of the 21st and that each 21st moves me closer to being a year since Eric died.  I have very mixed emotions about this as I know it will be a very tough day.  Sometimes, I can't believe it has already been 11 months, and other times it seems like it has been so long since I've had Eric with me.  I can say that God has been good to us and has been faithful to never leave us through this journey of grief and loss.  I can also say that I have experienced joy that I couldn't even dreamed possible the day Eric died.  This isn't like joy you receive for being successful in something or joy from the thrill of something, it's like a deep down joy that comes from peace.  I spoke at a women's conference last Saturday with the theme of Abundant Joy and was amazed as I prepared at all of the scripture I found on joy and how true they were to my life.  I hope to be able to put my talk on this blog soon to encourage those of you who are struggling to find joy.  One reference on joy that really stuck out to me was Psalm 30:10-12 "Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me; LORD be my help.  You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.  Lord my God, I will praise you forever."  This is my prayer and praise to God for his goodness to me and my kids throughout this year. 
I have done a lot of grieving and a lot of thinking and praying about what I am supposed to do with Eric gone and who I am, what is my purpose?  Miriam said it so well in her book Widow to Widow.  She said half of you has been torn away when you lose a spouse, you need to take the time to heal that wound and discover who you are as a new person.  Not a wounded half person, but a new whole person.  When I read that this past summer, I knew that is what I was doing and it was healthy and OK.  I did so many great things with Eric and supported him in so many of his passions all of our life together and now I had to figure out what God created me to do, what are my passions?  I have spent time taking care of myself in many areas I had neglected while caring for Eric such as my health and weight.  I have lost 30 lbs since September and feel great.  I have more energy to take care of my kids and I want to be around a long time to take care of them, Lord willing.  I have learned my spiritual gifts and my purpose by a small group study in my home called Chazown by Craig Groeschel and am so excited to live this out and "end up somewhere on purpose".  I have had numerous opportunities to testify to God's goodness in my life. 
Recently I heard another verse that summarizes well my brokenness and grief.  Isaiah 64:8 states "Yet you, LORD, are our Father.  We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."  Then I heard another reference to this last week at church in Jeremiah 18:3-4 that says "So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel.  But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him."
I was marred and broken when Eric passed away, but God took that same clay he formed me with and is creating something new as He sees best.  That is encouraging to me.  God isn't finished with me yet and His plans are always better than my plans. 
Am I always at peace and clinging to God's promises?  No, the human flesh in me cries out often and I get anxious about my future and try to take over.  I try to plan things on my own and figure out what my life may look like some day and then I start to worry.  Last week in BSF, my teaching leader, Rachel shared a truth with us.  She said "every opportunity to fear comes with an invitation to trust God."  This is so true.  Eric and I decided to trust God when we got the diagnosis of ALS.  I am deciding to trust God with my life and His plans for me, to trust God with my sister's cancer.  To trust God with my kids.  To trust God with the scary things happening in the world.  Fear Cripples us, but trusting in God sustains us and allows us to move forward with confidence.  God says he will never leave us or forsake us and that is all I need to know right now. 
On April 21, I am planning on visiting Eric's grave with his mom and the kids and any family that wants to come.  On Friday, April 22nd I would like to have my home open to friends and family to come over to celebrate Eric's life and remember him.  My dad has finished the video of the funeral and the sharing afterwards and the time at Fort Custer and I will have that playing downstairs for anyone who wants to watch it.  I would also like anyone who was not ready to share a memory of Eric or how he impacted your life to do that in private that day on video to keep for my kids and me.  I think it is extremely important for my kids to remember the person their father was and the legacy he left behind.  I will send out more information on that later, but I wanted some of you to be thinking about what you might say.  
Thank you for your love and support.  I find it no coincidence that God has brought me comfort in his Word and the timing of it and I hope you may find that to be the case for you too and are encouraged today!
Blessings,
Lori