Tis the season....

This post is long overdue, but I either have not had the time or not had the words to write.  Most of my posts are bouncing around in my head for a while and the ones that stay end up going on the blog.  Sometimes I just can't sleep again lately.  Definitely part of the holiday season coming upon... a bittersweet mixture of emotions is creeping up on me. 
Many of you have asked me how I was at Thanksgiving with Eric not here and I was actually very good and the kids were too.  I didn't expect to be sad at Thanksgiving this year.  I was looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with family and friends and enjoying a wonderful meal.  Yes, I ate pumpkin and apple pie with all the other delicious food and it was worth every calorie, fat gram and carb.  Last Thanksgiving was when things started getting really difficult with Eric's progression of ALS and Thanksgiving was brief and quiet so this year I wanted to be sure to spend the entire day with family and a traditional Thanksgiving feast.  We spent the day at my Mom and Dad's and my side of the family and we just enjoyed hanging out together.  We even watched Elf again and I laughed through it for the 100th time.  Our friends, the Barr's invited us to enjoy a second Thanksgiving dinner with them on Friday before me and Sherri headed out to Chicago on an overnight trip we planned so that I could meet the author I talked about in a previous post, Miriam Neff. 
She is the author of Widow to Widow and the founder of http://www.widowconnection.com/ and she has been a God send to me in her book and her encouragement at just the right time.  Yes, God uses people we haven't even met to be the body of Christ in our times of need.  Well, our trip to Chicago was very fun despite a very odd experience on the train downtown which I won't go into.  Let's just say I hope it isn't on YouTube someday.  On Saturday, we had fun shopping at IKEA and then off to Maggiano's for lunch and finally meeting my new dear friend, Miriam.  She lost her husband to ALS as well 4 years to the day prior to me. 
We met for coffee and I felt like I was talking to a friend I had known for a long time and someone who really understood me and where I was.  We talked some about our similar experiences and our similar athletic husbands.  Miriam's four kids are all grown and she spends a lot of time with her grandchildren who are around Zach's age.  She had just come from an all day wrestling tournament her grandson had just took first place in and was proud to show me pictures.  She is a woman who listens to God's voice and has clear direction in her life and has a desire to help other widows discover who they are after losing a husband. 
I asked for advice in a few areas and she shared some profound knowledge that I took to heart. 
I will share it with you because this blog is essentially about my grief process and I want it to help others understand my grief and also help others who may be going through a similar experience.  I mostly struggle when it comes to my future and what that is supposed to look like for me and my kids.  I am one who likes to have things figured out and be in control.  I have done a few things since Eric passed away that I shared with Miriam that seemed kind of desperate, not crazy and none have had bad consequences, but things I have recognized as coming from my own need to figure things out.  She reminded me that I am a vulnerable person and I need to protect that part of me.  She even said if I decide I am about to do something like that again, then to call her and it would take her 4 hours to get to me, but she would do it.  She does drive a Hummer, you know!  We all need people in our lives like that. Now don't go trying to figure out... what did Lori do?  It is not a big deal, most of these things are just thoughts in my own head.  The point is we need to listen to the voice of Truth, Jesus Christ.  Sometimes  God uses his word which He has been doing in a mighty way in my life recently, sometimes it's other people He puts in your path.  I don't believe in coincidences, they are there for a reason.  Sometimes it is your circumstances and many other ways God chooses to reveal Himself, but oh is God always there wanting us to give Him more of ourselves!  Don't miss it!  I am clinging to the One who knows me best and knows what is best for me. 
Anyways, back to Miriam's advice.  She explained as she does very well in her book that when you spend your life with someone so long and become one in a marriage, when that person dies, you are torn in two... a wounded person.  She explained that until you are healed from those wounds and begin to discover who you are as a new whole person, it is difficult to move forward.  I remember reading that this past summer and believe I have been figuring out what it is that I (Lori)  like to do or want to do with my life.  It is a strange concept when you have been "Eric and Lori" for so long.  I have been flooded with ideas in my mind and have put many into place and many are still bouncing around up there.  I do know I want to be aligned with God's plan for my life.  When we were talking about some of those things, Miriam reminded me that her kids were grown when Bob, her husband went to heaven.  My kids are still young and my main job is to be their mom.  I believe this fully and this is a noble calling for me as my kids mean so much to me.  My main focus is to be there for them, but to hear her say that was freeing!  I just have to be their mom and some days, that is about all I have energy or time to do.  I don't have to have the rest of my life figured out.  It is in God's hands and I can trust Him! 
So this post is long and yes it is again the middle of the night.  I think of Eric all the time.  Eric's mom and I watched the video we played at the funeral together a little over a week ago and we just miss Eric.  We sobbed together and Maddie and my niece Emma cried with us.  It is bittersweet to remember our life together as the joy of the memories floods my mind along with the sorrow it brings, but I always want to remember Eric and talk about him.  Please know that I am not uncomfortable talking about Eric and I want you to talk about him.  I actually really appreciate it when people tell me stories about him or just that they were thinking about him. 
The kids and I have been blessed and really are enjoying life.  We are blessed with a wonderful family, supportive friends and a loving church body and God has supplied all of our needs abundantly.  As we head into Christmas season, we are very sad to not spend it with Eric here, but it is so comforting to know that Eric is spending it with the One who we celebrate.  Maddie asked me how I think they celebrate Christmas in heaven and I can't even imagine the celebration that must take place.  Imagine the Hallelujah chorus sung in Heaven by heavenly hosts of angels.  Maddie wanted to know if there would be a cake?  Speaking of cake, my darling Maddie, who is more and more like her Dad every day turns 8 this Friday so we will celebrate her birth this Friday as well as my favorite sister, Kristi's. 
We may take a road trip after Christmas to do something new this year.  Right now, I am living one week at a time and savoring the moments that bring me joy along the way.  I will end this with a verse that speaks to my heart from Isaiah:
Isaiah 30:20-21
 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”
I remember hearing this verse about six or seven years ago from a friend at Family Camp and thinking wow, that verse really spoke to her as she had it memorized and even turned to the right and left as she quoted the verse.  This year, this is my verse to memorize and cling to.  How awesome is it that my teachers are hidden no more and God's voice behind me will say "This is the way, walk in it!"  This is what I have been searching for and all I really need to know right now! 
May God richly bless you this Christmas with the joy of knowing Him! 
Lori

Here are some pictures from my trip to Chicago