My Chicago Adventure

Well, last week I was off to the Windy City, well a little west of Chicago to a studio in Aurora, IL.  I was asked about a month ago by my godly widow, Miriam Neff,  to be part of a video series for http://www.widowconnection.com/ She wanted to do some interviews with me for this series.  I didn't hesitate to say yes because I love it when God gives me opportunities to share with others.  I know God didn't cause me to be in this situation, but I am here never the less and if I can do something good with it that will help others, then dog gone it, I'm in!  So I decided to make it a road trip.  This one was three generations of girls.  Eric's mom has never been to Chicago and Maddie hasn't either so us three girls headed out for an adventure.  We arrived in Aurora the night before and swam and relaxed in the hotel then got up early the next morning and headed to the Studio to meet Miriam and her crew.  She had a make-up artist there to touch up our make-up and that she did!  I was airbrush sprayed and painted all pretty.  I never have worn so much blush and lip stick in my life.  I guess it's a lights and camera thing.  I started to get nervous.... This was for real and what was I doing here???  I got to relax in the green room for a little bit and other widows had arrived.  I met some amazing women that day and love the connections I get pretty instantaneously with other widows.  I started to get relaxed again.  They wanted to get some B shots with me, Maddie and Grandma Fox interacting and me with other widows, etc. for the intro for the videos which was fun and a little awkward.  I am not by any means an actress, so when you tell me to do something specific, I just start to laugh as I think of myself trying to do it, but it was fun!  Maddie was a star and her and grandma got to get made up too.  Maddie kept saying "Mom, I need more lip gloss".  It was time for my first interview and I headed into the studio that looked like a set from Beth Moore and I started to get anxious again.  I sat in a chair and prayed while they were going through Miriam's teleprompter.  "God, not my words, but Yours.  I don't know what to say. Amen."  I sat across from Miriam and she said you and me are having a conversation (one widow to another) and that instantly calmed my nerves as I was looking at her, not the camera's and lights and people in the studio and could just talk to her.  I don't know for sure all I said or how it sounded but both interviews went good.  As always, when I am done doing something God wants me to do, I breathe a great big sigh of relief!  After that, we stayed for some more outdoor shots and headed out having made some new friends 7 hours after we arrived.  What an amazing day that was.  I loved it all!  The video series should be finished by September and will be available for widow groups. 
We headed back towards Chicago to finish our trip with the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and downtown Chicago the next day.  We spent plenty of time at the American Girl doll store at Water Tower Place on Michigan Ave.  Now this was an experience.  Maddie was so excited as we had been talking about this for a while and now we were finally there.  She picked the new doll from Hawaii named Kanani Akina and then we had to look at every other doll and outfit and accessory in the store, check out the doll salon to get her ears pierced and then finish it off by having lunch in their cafe with our new family member.  After that, we took a narrated boat ride through the city on the river and out through the Locks to Lake Michigan to view the city skyline.  It was a great day despite losing my $33.00 parking ticket to get us out of the garage.  We arrived home almost midnight exhausted but refreshed in our souls.  Here are some photos of our day in Chicago:

This ends my post on Chicago, as once again, it is the middle of the night and I can't sleep but need to try.  I have been so busy lately running kids and picking up extra kids that I need to get sleep to keep my sanity.  My next post may shock some of you ... Could Lori be dating?  Oh, this could be interesting...stay tuned :)

The days of Summer...

I have been quite busy this summer as many of you know.  Our summer started on June 10, the last day of school.  That morning, I was asked to attend an assembly at the Middle School to see Zach presented with an award called "be an 11"  (higher than a 10).  I attended by myself that morning in my workout clothes having no idea what an honor this award was.  Only 6 8th graders are chosen each semester for this award and they find out in the assembly in front of the whole school.  I was overwhelmed with pride but also had this sense of sadness for Zach as the other families seemed whole and put together with both parents attending.  My sadness was intensified that day as I received a call that night at 10pm that my sister had passed away at Hospice.  The last post summarizes this time of grief so I won't revisit that as it is still so hard.  Our family has waves of grief continually over her exit to heaven.  I miss her so much!  I miss Eric so much.  Another good friend just went to heaven this week  leaving her cancer filled body in exchange for a new one and I have her funeral today.  I hate sickness and know God does too as it isn't part of his plan.  None the less, we are faced with grief. 
But this post is about some good things happening in my life this summer so I will start now.  I had my 2nd annual week away at the house I rented in Grand Haven this summer at the end of June which I just love!  The house is small but cozy and we spent days at the beach with beautiful weather, eating out for dinner at some great restaurants, mornings at farmers market or getting our free slice of bread at Great Harvest, walking the pier, even jogged it a few times this year.  My kids attended Camp Anew while I was there so I had three of those nights with no kids and some widows and other friends were able to join me for some free mom time.  We got home from Grand Haven, unpacked and six days later were headed to Colorado for 9 days with our youth group.  I was one of 8 adults who chaperoned this amazing trip out West.  We had 16 kids ages 11-15 attending.  All ten of our youth group were able to go plus a few siblings and cousins including my beloved niece Ashley just one month after losing her mom.  God knew she was supposed to be on this trip so a spot opened up last minute just for her to go.  I was one of the drivers and the drive flew by as we enjoyed every minute of our time even through the flat, boring states like Iowa and Nebraska :)  Maddie stayed with family and friends this trip as she was too young for the adventures that lied ahead of us.  This was camping to it's core and I am not a camper.  We slept in tents on mountains with ice and snow, we climbed a 14,000 ft mountain to the top, we white water rafted on a high, fast and cold river, we ate the same food for days (food is fuel), we went to the bathroom in BIFF's (bathroom in forest floor), we rock climbed with only a rope attached and our hands and feet and repelled back down.  This trip was the epitome of "do hard things" and I loved every minute of it.  We spent time daily in God's word and reflecting on our days and being quiet before Him so we could hear from Him.  These moments, though hard for the kids to always be still were some of my favorite times, sitting with mountains all around us reflecting on who God is and how amazing He is.  I came back exhausted, yet refreshed.  By this time our summer was half way over.  It is now almost the end of August and we have mostly been around Michigan doing beach days, hanging out with friends and family and  a trip to Michigan's adventure, and Camp Geneva for the kids.  We are doing remarkably well, all things considered.  It will be a year and four months tomorrow since Eric passed away, but this 21st will be celebrated with Zach getting baptized as well as my nephew Carlos birthday.  I know Eric would be so proud to see Zach making this decision and hoping he is getting a glimpse of this from heaven.  Hebrews 12:1 says "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us"  I like to think that Eric is part of that great cloud of witnesses along with Kristi and others who have left this earth.  Check out Heb 12:2 and 3 as well if you like that verse.  (Use the link at the top of my blog to search it online)  Here is a link to the video I made of Colorado if you're interested.  Colorado Video 
I woke up again in the middle of the night, the time I usually write and was planning to write about my latest adventure in Chicago where I had an awesome opportunity to be part of a video series for widow connection, but I realized that I had some catching up to do before that so stay tuned for that. 
I met a widow there who has a phrase on her email signature that says "Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal... this is it!" so I am closing with that. 
Blessings,
Lori
some of my favorite pics from our trip to CO below:

A post from Stephanie, my sister in law

I have been wanting to update my blog and feeling exactly the way my sister in law, Stephanie describes in her first paragraph below.  She captured the feelings of our family so well as tears flowed continuously as I read her post this morning.  I have asked her if I could share her post on my blog to update all of you on the past few months and the way our lives have been affected by Kristi's last few months.  It is so hard to put into words but Stephanie's post does it well so this will be my update.  I hope this helps you understand some of the feelings we have all experienced again with such a deep loss.  Keep in mind, the rest of this post is written by Stephanie Kammeraad from her perspective (not me :)  just want to give credit where credit is due.
Post from Kammeraad family blog by Stephanie:
I don't know where to start. I've thought about updating the blog almost every day, but more out of feeling a sense of obligation than out of a desire to write. I don't know how to put into words all that our family has gone through over the past couple of months. Yet I want to honor our family, and Kristi in particular, by writing something. So therein lies the stress that I've carried around with me for weeks: feeling I should write, yet not having the motivation to do so. And now that it's been so long since I've written, I've built up a self-imposed expectation that this better be a good one! (I know, I'm my own worst enemy at times!)


Okay, I'll just begin. After battling ovarian cancer for over four years, and after much prayer and many tears, Kristi and Brian decided that Kristi should stop chemo. In February Kristi's doctor told them that she probably has about six months left to live. In April she started to feel more tired and worn-out, and was struggling with getting her pain medication under control. In May right around Mother's Day she took a turn for the worse. A week or so later she and Brian were told that she was down to about two weeks left to live. Brian told us a couple of days after they found out when Kevin and I were over for a visit. Brian told us and when we had a few moments to absorb the shock, Kristi came downstairs. Oh the tears! SHE comforted US, saying "It's going to be okay," while hugging us and rubbing Kevin's back as he sobbed. We sat on the couch with her and Brian as the kids played together and it felt like we could sit there all day. We just couldn't get enough of her. We wanted to just soak her in. *Sigh*

The next week we went over again and not realizing it was going to happen, had our "good bye visit" with her. It felt so sudden. Kevin went first, and then he brought Carlos up there to see her after a while. When it was my turn, I didn't know what to say. It didn't feel like a good bye visit. It felt like I was just hanging out with her having a girl talk while she was feeling a little under the weather. We were in their room, sitting on their bed, playing with Maria at first, and then later after Kevin took Maria back downstairs, talking about the kids, both hers and mine, just chatting like we usually did. There were a couple of serious times when she cried and I teared up, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that she was dying. Soon. It didn't seem real. I know now that I was in denial.

When we left after that, I was a wreck. I cried all the way home. Our roommate put the kids to bed for us so that Kevin and I could just have some time alone to process what was happening. We cried on and off at the restaurant that night. (Good thing the lighting was dim and we were sitting in a corner!) This was on a Sunday and the next day I fortunately did not have to go into work as usual. I had the week off as this was the week that Kristi, Lori, and I had booked tickets a couple months back to go on a sisters' trip together. Oh how excited we all were once our trip was booked! It was so beautiful to hear the joy and excitement in Kristi's emails as we wrote back and forth to one another about it. We could hardly wait to go! (Another sigh.) But it just wasn't meant to be. God had different plans for us. I felt so heavy hearted that day and all through the next. Kevin and I felt so alone in our sadness. We know we have friends, but it didn't feel like we could connect with any of them right then. We didn't feel close to anyone, and it was very lonely. We lamented the fact that we hadn't kept in closer touch with friends over the past year and a half, and that we were still new in our church family. Hardly anyone knew what was going on (most of our friends new that Kristi was battling ovarian cancer, but no one knew she had taken a turn for the worse and that we were at the end.) I'm so thankful to God that he put it on my heart to reach out to a few certain people! Those particular friends were an absolute GIFT from the Lord, and stood by us in such generous and beautiful ways. I don't know how we would have gotten through those most difficult weeks without them. I know that I've digressed a bit, but I just had to acknowledge my deepest thanks to those dear friends.

My memory of the timeline of events is a little fuzzy now, but I think that Kristi went into Hospice Home of Holland the end of that week. We thought she would be there for only a day or two, but her body held on for three weeks before she went home to be with Jesus on June 10th. While she was in the Hospice Home, Kevin went there nearly every day, as did Lori, and their parents. The kids and I went several times. It was hard to see Kristi deteriorating, but she was such a sweetheart! She always had a smile for any of us who came to see her, and Brian and Kevin and Lori and their parents can tell many, many stories of her kind and loving nature coming out strongly all the way to the end. She was shining beautifully!

Kevin had been at the Hospice Home on June 10th and the kids and I came in at dinner time. Aunt Diane (Kevin's dad's sister) was there as she had flown in earlier that day. Kristi's breathing had become raspier that day, but we left around 9:00 p.m. saying that we'd see everyone tomorrow, under the impression that Kristi still had a few days left. By the time we reached Grand Rapids, the kids were almost asleep. We just didn't have it in us to "put them to bed," so we decided that I should continue driving around (nine times out of ten Kevin does the driving, but for some reason I did that night) until they fell asleep so that we could just plop them into bed when we got home. We literally drove around Grand Rapids on the highway and just as we were on the opposite side of town from where our house is, minutes after the kids had both fallen asleep, Kevin's cell phone rang. It was his mom, saying the Kristi had passed away.

That was one of the longest drives home. I was shaking. Kevin had to call Lori and tell her. I could hear Lori's sobs over Kevin's cries as they wept together. We called our roommates and thankfully they were both home when we arrived so we could drop the kids into their beds and then turn around and head back into Holland to the Hospice Home. I'm shaking now as I type all of this, recalling the sensations I felt that same night. After throwing an overnight bag together and tying up a few loose ends, we were on our way. We talked to Lori about picking her up so that we could all drive together, but we all decided that we'd just pack up our things and start out the door as soon as we each could and then would check back in with each other before we arrived at Hospice. In the crazy and beautiful way that is God's, due to the wrong exit that Lori's friend took who was driving her and then the wrong turn she made, we ended up turning into the driveway/parking lot of the Home exactly behind Lori. We got out of our cars at the exact same time and were able to walk into the Home hand in hand. I can still picture our walk down the hallway like it was yesterday. Oh the sobbing as we embraced Mom and Dad. Oh the tears as we gathered together around Kristi's bed. More sobbing as Brian came back into the room and heartbroken reached for his bride.

It was an exhausting and tough night and next few days especially. Brian and Kristi with the help of many people put together a beautiful visitation and memorial service. Our days were filled with friends and family and tears. Our family has a very obvious hole in it. Our first hole was left by Eric's passing last year, and now another hole with Kristi's passing. I keep thinking about how "now there are four." Four of us siblings & spouses where there used to be six. Four of the original Kammeraad family of Mom, Dad, Kristi, Lori, and Kevin. And now only four Rogalskes, where Brian, Ashley, Nathan, and Emily are now without their wife and mom. There have been and continue to be so many people who are praying for us and all of the people I just mentioned above. Thank you so very much. We couldn't get through all of this without your prayers. Please continue, as the grieving continues for everyone.

Before I end this extremely long post, I wanted to say a few words about Kristi. She was a beautiful, kind, loving, generous person. Such an amazing wife and mom and daughter and sister and friend. She had a strong relationship with God, and she will be leaving a beautiful legacy of faith to all of those whose lives intersected with hers.

I'll miss laughing and talking with her at family gatherings. I'll miss talking with her about the books we're reading. I'll miss her smile and the way she interacted with her kids and nieces and nephews. I'll miss her quirky sense of humor in her emails as we'd write back and forth about our menus for the family camping trips and holiday meals. I'll miss her homemade stamped cards and the way she wrote her letter "a"s. We love her. We miss her. We can't wait to see her again in heaven!