a few random thoughts

I have been processing a few things in my head lately and I thought I would share them with you to help you understand a part of grief our family is going through somewhat if that is possible. 
Times of grief and sadness are elevated in our house when other sad, disappointing or overwhelming things happen.  Here's some examples.  Shortly after Eric passed away, I was trying to figure out a lot of things with the finances, getting caught up on bills and reconciling bank statements, figuring out life insurance, debt and I also had to set up a brand new bank account and tranfer everything because our checking account had been frozen the day after Eric passed away (apparantly banks check obitiuaries daily and freeze accounts if a client passes away).  I was getting very overwhelmed with all of it and on the same day I got a very high cell phone bill and the gas bill was in a catch up month for the annual budget shortage which was astronomical due to keeping the house much warmer in the winter months for Eric.  I think I cried for days, not because I couldn't take care of everything, but because I was so sad.  This was something I would have talked to Eric about or more likely complained about, but he would have listened and I would have felt better.
A few months ago at Family Camp, I had been talking to a few people about Lasik surgery to correct vision and they had said it was the best thing they did for their eyes.  I had thought about it before many times because my vision is very bad and has been since the third grade.  My prescription is a -9.0 which you will understand if you wear glasses or contacts.  If you don't, without correction, I would see the world as one big fuzzy color even close up.  I decided that would be something I would check into when I got home.  I made the appointment for an evaluation that would take two hours.  I wore my glasses for a week (which I hated) just like they requested and began my exam.  After 15 minutes, the woman brought me into a room and said the doctor would be in to go over some of the tests.  He walked in with a somber look on his face and said I have bad news.  I just knew what he would say next.  He said my prescription is too strong, my cornea too thin and I have some big name issue with the shape of it so it was a "no go".  I walked out into the lobby and headed straight for my car so I could cry.  I sat there for a bit and thought, what is wrong with me!  It's not like he said you have a terminal illness or anything like that.  I walked out of there the same way I walked in so what is the big deal.  It just felt like a loss to me.  I heard the song You make me Happy on the radio on the way home and thought, that's right, God makes me happy.  He makes beauty of my mess! 
Movies of loss, even the movie Up makes me cry and remind me of my loss with Eric.  I believe this is all part of the grief process to help me get through this.  I don't have a fancy name for it or a step that I am on, I just recognize it as part of grief. 
Maddie has expressed some of the same things recently and I so understand her little mind and heart. 
We found a yellow lab a couple weeks ago in our neighborhood and he was adopted into our garage.  He was fed, bathed, walked, brushed for a few days while we looked for his owners.  The owners did call after three days because they saw a sweet little sign that Maddie made on the corner.  When Maddie got home from school that day, I told her the owners had called and how exciting it was that they could get their dog back and she burst into tears and then said "this is just like Daddy".  My first thought was, this is nothing like Daddy, but I didn't say that. I just acknowledged that I knew it was sad for her to feel like she was losing the dog she had made friends with and that she was going to be OK and she was that same day.  It's hard to go through grief, but I feel like our family is healing through it.  There will always be a place in our hearts for Eric that feels the loss of him not being here anymore as well as the anticipation of when we will see him again in heaven.  Until then, we keep doing life and share our love and knowledge of Jesus with others. 
I am hoping to be able to make a trip to Chicago this fall to meet the author I told you about, Miriam Neff, who has been such a blessing to me by her book if I can manage it with Soccer and Basketball games going right now.  Often, I sit and wonder what God wants me to do with my life or how He could use me and then I sit again comfortably and contently right where I am at.
There are a lot of things I want to work on right now.  One is staying in his Word.  I am enjoying the time in my two devotionals in the morning and studying Isaiah at BSF with almost 500 other women.  I am starting a small group to study the Book Crazy Love by Francis Chan which is a good challenge to me.  Zach is starting a new youth program at our church that I am very excited about and getting involved in helping with.  I am trying to take care of myself too.  I have come to realize that I am at the low border of obese(not overweight which I knew), but obese according to my BMI.  That was just shocking to me.  I have joined a fitness club and started weight watchers and have learned more in this first few weeks than I have in my entire life about our bodies and how to stay healthy.  We are so misled when it comes to food, diet and excercise.  I am very motivated and have lost 5.8 lbs in my first two weeks.  I have a ways to go, but I am excited to get to my goal and what my kids are learning about choices as well.  You would be shocked if you knew what goes into most food you buy or eat out.  It's very simple, eat better and excercise more.  Only diet that can work in my mind because it is a lifestyle change.  This has given me something to focus on among many other good things and I am not doing this because I am now single, I am doing this to be healthier, to live longer, have more energy for my kids and to feel like I can do this for myself.  Please give me encouragement when you see me struggling with any of these things.  This post is a lot of stuff all over the place, but I just thought I would share my heart.  I know my last post was pretty brief.  There are days when I just don't know how to express my feelings or I am just too tired to think.  Tonight is becoming one of those nights so I better be off to sleep.
God Bless,
Lori

Remembering it is the Lord who determines my steps, confessions of an excessive planner

The devotional from Jesus Calling on Sept 17 hit me between the eyes hard.  It says:
"You will not find my peace by engaging in excessive planning:  attempting to control what will happen to you in the future.  That is a commonly practiced form of unbelief.  When your mind spins with multiple plans, Peace may sometimes seem to be within your grasp; yet it always eludes you.  Just when you think you have prepared for all possibilities, something unexpected pops up and throws things into confusion. 
I did not design the human mind to figure out the future.  That is beyond your capability.  I crafted your mind for continual communication with Me.  Bring Me all your needs, your hopes and fears.  Commit everything into My care.  Turn from the path of planning to the path of Peace."
Proverbs 16:9 says In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. 
Well, those of you who know me, know that I like to have a plan and like to be in control of things.  I'm good at it, I'm pretty organized, I like to look into things, research the best options, know what my day looks like, keep a schedule.  I like a good plan because it helps me to feel like I have some control of things.  There is definitely some good in this, but I have taken this part of me and find myself using it to try to plan how my future will go and even trying to plan my grief process.  I forget to give God my needs, hopes and fears.  He is the one who has my future in his hands!  I read this devotion and realized how much I try to do things on my own and realized I may be missing his true Peace when I don't let Him direct my steps. 
As a new season begins and school and routines are back in full swing, I am praying that God will direct my steps as I am making new commitments and taking care of the kids needs as well as my own.