Where did May go? reflections of a really tough month...

I have not updated this blog in a while because my life has not been "normal" since Mother's day in May.  I got a text from my sister late at night asking if I could come the next morning with a warning that she didn't want to see anyone and she was feeling quite "poopy" (her words not mine) closest she ever comes to a swear word.  I came the next morning and could see that things had changed quite a bit with her condition of Ovarian Cancer.  Back on February 9, she had been told she had six months to live and it had only been three and she had turned a corner as her body was slowly being consumed by the cancer and was shutting down.  Looking back, the signs were there.  Not wanting to be with people, eating less, sleeping more.  We just didn't want to recognize this was happening.  Back in February, my sister and I had planned to take a trip to Myrtle Beach in late May with our sister in law and Kristi was really excited about getting away as was I.  Towards the end of April, Kristi told me that she wouldn't be able to take that trip with us and I was so sad.  Selfishly sad.  I had really wanted to have her all to myself for a bit and to create more memories with her.  After a rough Mother's day weekend, Hospice had told her husband, Brian it looked more like weeks left rather than months.  When someone is sick with a terminal illness, it is a process of grief called anticipatory grief that you go through as you slowly lose another piece of the one you love.  You move to a new normal with each change, some slow and some so fast you hardly have time to adjust.  Our trip was cancelled as we realized we may have only a few weeks to be with Kristi and talk with her, spend time with her and show her, Brian and the kids our love.  I have spent most of May in Holland when I could with my sister, my parents and my nieces and nephews and I have no regrets.  Life is such a vapor and too short in Kristi and Eric's lifetime.  It is now well into June and almost Summer break.  The days have blurred together for our whole family as we thought Kristi was going to meet Jesus on Tuesday night, May 24th as things had rapidly progressed but God had a different plan.  She was moved to Hospice Home on May 25th and has now been there two whole weeks.  Hospice has brought a wave of emotions over me as it brings back so much of Eric's last days here on earth.  Eric and Krisit's experiences are very different and my grief and feelings are also so different right now.  I didn't have this long to say goodbye to Eric as we did not bring him to Hospice to die, but to give me a break and manage his deteriorating condition.  It took us all by surprise when Eric slipped into the arms of Jesus.  Kristi is ready to meet Jesus, we have all said our goodbyes or "see you soon's" and I love you's and she is so ready to go, but she is still here.  People all over are joining us in prayer that God would take her home, but she is still here.  It is just a bittersweet time for me and my family.  Daily, I watch her life slipping away, yet I am still greeted by her smile and "I love you" and "silly girl!" when she is awake and coherant.  I just want to scoop her up most times and take her home with me.  I am missing Eric so much more now too.  I wish he was here each night when my day ends to comfort me when I cry.  When her time comes, we will again have to adjust to the void in our lives left as we hurt deeply for our loss.  Life will have to go back to some sort of normal again as we are still here living.  Until then, I feel like God has hit the hold button for me as I step back from life and concentrate on what really matters right now, being with my family.  Thank you so much for all of your prayers and offers to help us.  God has been filling us with his peace and covering us with his love.  If you haven't followed Brian and Kristi's blog, it is linked on the right of my blog or go to http://www.briankristi.blogspot.com/
In Him who continues to give me strength,
Lori