I told you I considered being single again when Eric was diagnosed, which is a completely normal thing to consider when you are told your husband has an uncurable disease and has 2-5 years to live. I decided to take those thoughts captive though as I was married to Eric and committed to him til death do us part, through sickness and health and I honored that commitment to him with everything I had.
When he passed away, I had a whole in my heart and a void in my life because we had a great marriage and a special kind of love. It wasn't always that way, but the last few years seemed to bring us closer than ever. I grieved Eric's death quite heavily both while he was sick and after he was gone. I knew I would have to do that to be able to move forward with my life in a healthy way. I told you in previous posts of how I took last summer to figure out who I was without Eric in my life and that has been an eye opening experience as I have come to discover things about myself that are now different, but good as I move forward.
I want to share the process I have gone through in attempting to date again because I don't think there is much out there to tell you how it is done. There is no easy way to do it or figure it out, no manual or instructions as it is different for everyone. It is a completely foreign feeling after you have been married for so many years and escpecially if you married right out of high school or college. This blog was intended for widows and for my friends to understand what it is like for a widow so I will share my thoughts on this subject not as advice, but to let you know, it is completely normal to go through these thoughts and feelings, at least I hope so :) So here goes...
After Eric passed away, I thought to myself, there is no one out there my age that could possibly be someone I could date. I really knew no one and thought, I may remain single forever. I knew I wanted to remarry some day. Because I had a great marriage, I want to find that again some day. I had considered a few single men I knew, and Eric and I actually discussed a few at one point which seemed ridiculous to be talking about. I had my 20 year class reunion coming up last August and got on facebook to connect with old friends. I found myself looking at the status of old friends from high school to see who was still single or divorced and thought I am so alone and felt even desparate at points. I was not desperate, just felt that way when I was alone at night with too much time to think about everything and missing Eric so much.
I found myself noticing guys anywhere I went that were good looking and would look to their finger to see if they were married. Most men were or I would find out they were in their 20's. Last time I looked at men, I was in my 20's so I didn't even know my "type". To be honest, my type had become Eric: tall, dark and handsome. I have learned a lot from time and books and my own thoughts from God that I can never replace Eric, nor should I try to. He will always be my first love and father to my children and nothing can take that away. It would not be fair to anyone else to have expectations or make comparisons going into a relationship. I find I will talk about Eric often as I want to keep his memory alive for my children and because 19 years of my life have been spent by his side, but I will never try to "replace" him.
I knew I should get through my grieving before I confused my life with dating or involving another person to get close to me. Thankfully, I am so blessed with great friends who have helped me talk through so many things. I have good widow friends who I could throw all my crazy thoughts and feelings at who received them with laughter and understanding. I used to tell a friend "I wish I could just rent a guy to cuddle with".
I meant it, I miss touch, everyone thrives on human touch. Eric lost the use of his hands early in the disease so he could not reach out to give me a hug or hold my hand or touch my face.
I started talking to my kids about the idea of dating in March. I wanted to know how they felt about it and didn't want to suddenly tell them, Mom is dating someone and I want you to meet him. I took them to dinner and asked them what they thought and could tell, they hadn't given it much thought. They thought for a bit and then said, I guess it would be OK. I told them, I just wanted to go out to dinner or have someone to talk to as I was lonely and missed companionship. I was not planning on dating at that point, but wanted to give them some time to think about it and tell me how they felt. I think most of my friends were feeling a little surprised at the idea of my dating too, mostly some men who seemed rather protective including my brother. I think most people looked at me and thought, you seem so happy and doing so well, why would you want to confuse your life with dating!
A year had gone by rather quickly as I looked back and I was still thinking there is just no one out there for me to date. I had this desire to try to control the situation knowing full well it would be God who would bring someone to me and probably not in any way I could have tryed to plan. I told you I am a planner and like to be in control. Anyways, sometime in May, I was home alone one Sunday night and reading my email and came across one of many emails for a Christian dating website. Somehow, they must find out when you are single because I have gotten so many since Eric passed away or maybe I just never noticed before. So it said "look for free" so I thought, why not look to see who is out there. About 30 minutes later after I felt like I had to answer 2,000 questions, I was able to look at profiles of other "christian men" in the area. It was quite entertaining at first as I laughed at some of the men and their photos and intros. I thought, is that the best you could do? A few profiles caught my eye so I decided to initiate conversations with them but found I had to "pay to play" so next thing you know I am signed up! Who would have thought I would go there. I remember thinking, please don't let anyone I know "see" me! Anyway, I started talking to a few guys and someone said "should we meet?" So there was my first date. Lunch at Panera bread driving my own car so I could make a fast getaway if needed. He was a nice guy, but no excitement in our conversation or meeting. I actually preferred talking to him online and I think I created him to be someone else in my mind that I was hoping for. Even though there was no connection, I felt great being able to have enough confidence to go out and meet someone. I felt like I had taken a step towards this new adventure, overcoming some of my fears.
Shortly after that date, my sister got much sicker and I cancelled my membership as I wanted to spend all of my time and energy with Kristi which I am so thankful to have done. In July, I decided to get back on the site as I had paid for three months (it was cheaper and I am dutch) I chatted a few men on line and went on another date. Again, nice guy, but no connection and no potential for a relationship. I decided that this website was not a good way for me to meet a nice man at the end of July and joked with my friends about becoming a nun. I have heard a few stories about online dating sites and how some have found true love, but what I found was the desparate need to find something by my own ways and I tended to create an image that didn't compare to the people I met. It sometimes would boost my confidence and other times would sink my confidence if someone would not respond and make me wonder what do they think when they look at my profile. Am I complicated, too much for someone to consider dating? It just didn't seem like the way for me to meet someone. I have prayed all along since Eric's death for God to prepare the heart of someone for me some day and started to pray again to let go of my need to control it. I got off the site and decided to trust God.
Literally that week, I had dinner with my widow friend and she said, I just thought of someone I think you should meet. She had known him for about 20 years and had never considered him before, even in our talks about dating again. I told her I was open if she considered him someone I could be with. The things I needed a man to be are #1 a strong Christian with faith in God as I knew that if that was solid, many of my other concerns and worries would become smaller. I also need someone who will consider my kids and their feelings if we were to start a relationship. So, she talked to him and he called me the next week. We had our first date on July 29 and he is not tall, or dark but he is handsome. We had a great conversation over dinner and he took me by surprise. I had no ideas in my head or even a picture of what he looked like before we met. We have been out quite a bit since then and initially, I was hoping for him to do or say something that would make me not want to date him because it seemed easier than processing my emotions and how I feel. It is exciting to be dating again and scary at the same time. I have really enjoyed getting to know Todd and love talking to him. We are taking it very slow dating, but have fast tracked the conversations to some very serious things that we want to know about each other which I think has been really good as I don't want to date someone just to be dating. My life is way to busy with two kids and everything God has placed in my life. I want to be sure that my desire to be with someone lines up with God's plan for my life.
Well, this is another one of my long posts, which I am famous for doing but I figured I would just throw it all out there. I know there aren't many details about the man in my life here, but if it is meant to be, you may meet him some day if you haven't already. I do know, I am praying as he is for direction in this relationship. I am also, giddy like a school girl and have an extra spring in my step lately. I feel like a teenager sometimes and am really enjoying being with him. Todd is a great, Christian man who is very considerate of my feelings and so much fun to be with. I will include some pictures for you girls who love details...
I will end this with something Todd found: Ecclesiastes 3:1
"Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God Chooses."
God has set a time and season for every activity, enjoy the time, games, events, holidays, get togethers, church, vacations......
Blessings,
Lori
