Eric had made seperate videos for me, Zach, Maddie, his mom and dad, brother and sister after he was diagnosed so that he could share one last message to all of us when he was no longer here. I watched mine six months after he went to heaven and had the kids watch theirs individually with me on Christmas Eve. This was a time of many tears as we watched Eric early on in the progression of the disease (2007) share his love, wisdom and heart for our kids and their futures. We even laughed a little bit, but mostly cried as we just wish so badly that he was still here. I was reminded of how much Eric loved our kids and wanted God's best for them always. These videos are a treasure and will be watched over and over at times we need them. I can picture showing portions of them at the kid's weddings so that somehow Eric can be a part of that day.
The kids are doing remarkably well and I am too. That is only explained by God's grace and love that covers us daily.
On Christmas morning, we all woke up after sleeping in my bed together and opened stockings, ate breakfast and read our letters to dad to eachother as I cried some more. I want to share the kids letters:
Maddie wrote Dear Dad. I really miss you. I love you so much. I wish you were here. I know he is not here but we will still have a great Christmas.
Zach wrote It's Christmas time already. I know it's going to be hard because it's the first Christmas without you with us, as a full family. But I wanted to tell you how much I love you because I remember all the memories we shared and all the things I learned from you. I watched your video today and I am going to strive towards God with every bit of me because I know it's the best thing ever. I know our time together on earth was shorter than we expected but I also know that I am going to be in heaven soon when God calls me and I will get to spend an eternity there with you. Merry Christmas Dad. Love always, your son Zach Fox.
Zach is just like his dad because Eric always signed cards to me Eric J. Fox like I didn't know which Eric they were from.
I have to say that Christmas was difficult, but also beautiful precious new memories shared with those I love. I took the kids the day after Christmas on a short surprise trip to Cincinnati to a hotel with a pool and we just hung out together, swam, worked out together, watched movies and went to the Creation Museum in Kentucky which was amazing! It makes sense to me to remember the traditions and good things with loved ones we have lost and to also do some new things. It was a great decision to get away and very special for me and the kids.
More time has gone by and a new year has begun already. Even though we are in the middle of winter and it is looking drearier outside with the sun disappearing more each day, It feels like we are continuing to move forward and healing in the process. I have read a few books that continue to give me hope. One is Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo which brought so many tears of joy as I read it almost all in one night. I couldn't help but think of Eric in a place we can't even begin to imagine in our minds and the vivid reminder that he is there holding our two unborn children while I am here with Zach and Maddie. I also read Choosing to SEE by Marybeth Chapman which reminds me that there is always good in the bad. Her book is so heartfelt, real and God honoring sharing their tragic loss of little Maria. I recommend both books to anyone looking for a shot of hope in a tough world.
My devotional Streams in the Desert on Jan 20th (the day before Eric's birthday) I read about sorrow and it expressed how I feel so well so I want to close this very long entry by sharing some of it with you.
"Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. Eccl 7:3 Sorrow under the power of divine grace, performs various ministries in our lives. Sorrow reveals unknown depths of the soul, and unkown capacities for suffering and service. If humankind were still in a glorified state having never fallen, then the strong floods of divine joy would be the force God would use to reveal our soul's capacities. But in a fallen world, sorrow, yet with despair removed, is the power chosen to reveal us to ourselves..to think deeply and seriously. It opens within us the capacities of the heavenly life, and it makes us willing to set our capacities afloat on a limitless sea of service for God and for others." it then closes with "Blessed is sorrow, for it reveals God's comfort. The storm that had impoverished him made him rich. So it is oftentimes in life."
I am beginning to see the plan for my life unfold and feel God's comfort every step of my journey and have even experienced rich blessings in the storm.
Thanks for hearing my heart if you stuck with me this long.
Blessings,
Lori
Isaiah 40:10-11
See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
